Grieving

This last year was the year from Hell, truly, yet, it was also a year of joy and blessings. I guess I could call 2010 the "Big Dipper Year" after the Roller coaster at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

This year one of my favorite aunt's passed, a dear brother-in-law died with absolutely no warning, a most loving and generous man, the step-father of my grandson passed away after a long hard battle with cancer and the role-model of all mothers, Mrs. Gardner passsed away. My dad had emergency 5-way bypass surgery and the hospital did everything it could to make his recovery impossible, he survived and is doing well. I lost my job ( kind of hated it anyway so that's not so bad except for the financial aspects).

On the high side, I rekindled relationships with long lost cousins. They didn't even know they were lost, they had just been lost to me. Wonderful, wonderful reunion and I swear with eveything in me,  I will never let them go again.

Big Losses, Big Gains! Major Highs and Incredibly Low Lows. Times when I didn't think the second hand of the clock would ever move again to times when I couldn't pray hard enough to slow the hands of the clock down.

I'll never be able to hug Ken or Bob again, or give my Auntie Margaret a hug and tell her I love her. I had told Mrs. Gardner how I felt about her years ago but hadn't seen her since. I can't wait until I get to hug  cousins, Randy or Karen or Brian again, to laugh with Zig or swear with Jackie or to just sit and talk with any of those wonderful cousins.

There is another loss though that is  difficult to explain and hurts in the most extraordinary way. I've lost another friend, a friend that has been dear to me for years and years. I met him when I was maybe 12 or 13. We don't see each other much or talk very often but he calls me every year for my birthday and I call him every year for his. We sometimes talk in between times. When we do talk, though, we talk until one of our phones runs out of power yet still had more to say. Each conversation begins where the last one ended.

I love him and I know that he loves me. Not in that boy-girl way but in the glorious my-dearest-friend way. He's known me in all my phases and I've known him, we trust and love each other inspite of our short comings, which we are both very much aware of and couldn't care less!

He's kind of lost to me though. He has a new woman in his life for which I am very happy for him. We all need to have that "special" someone. The sad part of it though is that his special someone doesn't want him to have any "Pre-her" woman friends. Her jealously makes them both miserable.

I called him for his birthday this year (not knowing that Special Someone didn't want him talking to persons of the female side of humanity). He didn't answer his phone but called back a day or two later. He said he had to make it quick because Special Someone would be hurt and angry if we talked. We talked quickly, wished him happy birthday and hung up. A week or two later he called again. Special Someone was Christmas shopping and he had time to talk.

It was a yucky feeling. I don't want to talk if it is going to hurt someone or if it feels like sneaking, sneaking is for kids who want an extra cookie not for 59 year old women, unless its sneaking into the spa to get those brown aging spots removed!

I was wondering how my husband would feel if he thought I was "sneaking" in a conversation with someone or how I would feel if I found out he was doing the same. I don't want to be responsible to causing someone else pain either.

But, follow me here, who is causing her pain? Is she carrying some old shit, oops, excuse me, baggage from past relationships into her new relationship that is setting her up for PAIN? Why do I have to lose a good friend because she has is carrying around a pocket full of old stuff? When humans begin a brand new relationship, why do we wrap it with all the negative garbage from old relationships? Doesn't that dull the brilliance and glory of the new?

It makes me sad but makes me wonder what yuckiness (don't you love my vocabulary?), what yuckiness have I lugged over from old relationships and asked my wonderful husband to carry for me.

So, its not right, I am gonna miss my friend but I don't like sneaking in a phone call here and there or partaking in pulling the wool over someone's eyes (unless it is surprise birthday parties or Christmas gifts) so, no phone calls from this end. I'm going to miss you Mike.

Hope you and Special Someone resolve this because its way too sad to lose someone you love when they are still alive. Dead is too real and comes to soon to play games because some old crap is being lugged around in forgotten pockets.