Saw my therapist today. She really is the best.
I've got this big giant throbbing toxic anger deep, deep in my gut. She's helping me define it. Helping me untangle it from the good parts of me so I can ditch it.
She drew a couple of pictures for me that really helped. First, she showed me a picture of what most patients who seek her out look like (emotional/mental-speak). The drawing was a jagged, off-balance sunburst. Then she drew me or at least a semblance of my emotional/mental state. It was a perfect circle.
She says I am pretty solid, grounded, and some other nice adjectives that made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
So why am I a toxic maniac?
She showed me a couple of archetypes that I could really relate to. The Archetypes, the light side and the dark side of each. I was the circle in the middle. One archetype to the left, the right, above and below.
The Archetype to the left is The Warrior. Warrior's don't have two sides, they have three. The weeney warrior, hides in the corner, kind of wimpy or cowardly, maybe just really scared. Then there is the well-balanced warrior, kind of the Saint Martha of Warrior's. She sees the crisis or the threat and gently, compassionately tries to talk it down. Instead of hiding from the dragon or killing the dragon, she sits with it, finds out what the problem is and helps the dragon resolve the issue.
Then there is the At-the-Ready Warrior, shield up, sword drawn. That's me! My warrior is out of balance. In this moment of my life, I am more likely to lop off your head if you mess with me, anyone I love and even those people, puppies or kittens I don't love but feel that they are being unfairly threatened or mistreated.
Slowly, through the years, totally unaware of my St-Martha-side being swept away, I have become the Black Knight from Monty Python's Quest For the Holy Grail. You know him! "None shall pass!"
Chop of my legs, slice off my arms and I am still gonna bite your ass if you try to pass.
I can't tell you how "OFF" this is for me. My personal motto has always been "At No One's
Expense!" For years I have made it a general rule that I do not say or do something that will hurt another. I have really tried, come up short at times, but my intentions are there.
It seems that years of not having a "six" (marine-speak), especially during childhood has built up. Not just being raped, but being raised in a state of "hyper vigilance" to make sure that craziness didn't break out and when it did break out, I was prepared to "get small" or become invisible.
How incredible it is to have someone place their hand on your shoulder and tell you it's okay to let it drop from under your ear and rest gently where it belongs. How refreshing it is to know that I am not a hateful, toxic old woman but a warrior who can ask my husband to be my Six, let the shield rest and sheath my sword.
Fair warning: Beware, I am still working on it. I have not let go of the shield and though my sword is in the sheath, the sheath is still hanging on my side. I know it is not my job to slay the dragons but until a couple of more visits to my therapist I am not making any promises.
I've got this big giant throbbing toxic anger deep, deep in my gut. She's helping me define it. Helping me untangle it from the good parts of me so I can ditch it.
She drew a couple of pictures for me that really helped. First, she showed me a picture of what most patients who seek her out look like (emotional/mental-speak). The drawing was a jagged, off-balance sunburst. Then she drew me or at least a semblance of my emotional/mental state. It was a perfect circle.
She says I am pretty solid, grounded, and some other nice adjectives that made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
So why am I a toxic maniac?
She showed me a couple of archetypes that I could really relate to. The Archetypes, the light side and the dark side of each. I was the circle in the middle. One archetype to the left, the right, above and below.
The Archetype to the left is The Warrior. Warrior's don't have two sides, they have three. The weeney warrior, hides in the corner, kind of wimpy or cowardly, maybe just really scared. Then there is the well-balanced warrior, kind of the Saint Martha of Warrior's. She sees the crisis or the threat and gently, compassionately tries to talk it down. Instead of hiding from the dragon or killing the dragon, she sits with it, finds out what the problem is and helps the dragon resolve the issue.
Then there is the At-the-Ready Warrior, shield up, sword drawn. That's me! My warrior is out of balance. In this moment of my life, I am more likely to lop off your head if you mess with me, anyone I love and even those people, puppies or kittens I don't love but feel that they are being unfairly threatened or mistreated.
Slowly, through the years, totally unaware of my St-Martha-side being swept away, I have become the Black Knight from Monty Python's Quest For the Holy Grail. You know him! "None shall pass!"
Chop of my legs, slice off my arms and I am still gonna bite your ass if you try to pass.
I can't tell you how "OFF" this is for me. My personal motto has always been "At No One's
Expense!" For years I have made it a general rule that I do not say or do something that will hurt another. I have really tried, come up short at times, but my intentions are there.
It seems that years of not having a "six" (marine-speak), especially during childhood has built up. Not just being raped, but being raised in a state of "hyper vigilance" to make sure that craziness didn't break out and when it did break out, I was prepared to "get small" or become invisible.
How incredible it is to have someone place their hand on your shoulder and tell you it's okay to let it drop from under your ear and rest gently where it belongs. How refreshing it is to know that I am not a hateful, toxic old woman but a warrior who can ask my husband to be my Six, let the shield rest and sheath my sword.
Fair warning: Beware, I am still working on it. I have not let go of the shield and though my sword is in the sheath, the sheath is still hanging on my side. I know it is not my job to slay the dragons but until a couple of more visits to my therapist I am not making any promises.
If there is anyone of mine acquaintance who deserves to be fully at peace with herself and the world, you are that person. I can't tell you how many times over the years something you've said or just thoughts of you have caused me to chill and relax and move on.
ReplyDeletePlease be that friend for yourself that you've been for so many of us.
brer Michael
Took me a couple of days to respond because I cried every time I read your comment.
ReplyDeleteThank You. Your words were good to hear and I know they were sincere.
I'm getting there....taking myself out for coffee this morning and, because I am who I am, I expect the conversation to be quite tintillating!