Showing posts with label Soul. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Soul. Show all posts

June 05, 2014

Great-Grandparents!

Within the month, we will be great-grandparents! I am a little overwhelmed! Not by being a great grandparent but by the title.

I think back about my own great-grandmother and great-grandfather. Great-grandpa was a tall man, six foot five, just like my youngest son. He owned a room his was in but not so much by his size as by his grace and quiet strength. He exuded an Aura of Safe, if I can say that.

Great-grandma was four foot eleven. She was tiny and yet she was bigger than life. She would sit at the table with family playing poker with a little shot glass of whiskey near her pile of coins. Her poker face could win awards except when she looked at any of us kids. Her pride and love shined when she looked at us or talked to us.

She built her own sod home in a prairie of New Mexico. She cut the sod along-side Great-grandpa, and stacked it. She was a bootlegger and had a cave carved into the hill behind their home where they stored the liquor. She had a tatoo of Our Lady of Guadalupe on her forearm! Yes, my little great-grandmother sported a tat when even most men did not display art or lover's names on their bodies. Maybe she thought the tatoo went along with the little derringer she kept in her garter!

When I was a very young girl, I remember standing next to Great-grandma's chair eye-level with her hands. Her hands reminding me of the gnarled roots of an ancient tree. The thought that I wanted my hands to look just like hers when I was her age embedded itself in my mind. Those hands declared to the world "I have lived life to the fullest!"

Great-grandpa would get up early every morning and make a pot of coffee. When the coffee was ready, he would fill a cup of the hot liquid and take it to Great-grandma in bed.  They would sit in bed and talk about the day. They shared a great and deep love for each other and for family. I don't ever remember a harsh word escaping the lips of either one of them.

Great-grandma came to visit us in California when she was in her 90's. I remember her wearing high-top tennis shoes (Keds) and jumping from rock to rock with us kids in the surf.

Great-grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was about 3 or 4. The doctor told him that he had about 6 months to live. He told the doctor that dying was not on his agenda and lived for another 6 or 7 years.

Their lives and their stories were almost mystical and mythological!

Yes, The title of Great-grandparent is definitely going to be hard to live up to.

Red Letter Days

Do you remember all your red-letter days?  Do you remember your emotions, what you wore, maybe momentous moments during the event itself?

One of our granddaughters graduated from 8th grade yesterday. Her mother was remembering her 8th grade graduation and the gifts she received from her father and me.  I bought her tickets for her and a friend for an AHA concert (also one for me!).

The concert was at the Concord Pavilion and it was glorious! I loved watching my daughter's joy more than the concert itself.

Yesterday was a little like that AHA concert. Our granddaughter shined but so did her mom. I enjoyed watching my daughter's joy and pride as much as watching her daughter dressed "all-grown-up"! It really was a pretty special evening.

My husband noticed that I was watching my daughter's reactions to the event. He put his arms around me and whispered, "I know!"  We both got a little tear in our eyes.

I thought back to the 8th grade graduations of our grandson and oldest granddaughter.  There was overwhelming love in our younger son's eyes and posture as he watched his oldest daughter walk across that stage to get her diploma. Next year he will have two graduations. His youngest will be graduating from middle school and his oldest will be receiving her diploma from high school.

Our grandson's graduation was very emotional. We were all so proud of him, shared his dreams for leaving home to study in Sacramento three weeks later. His step-father, a man who really loved him was in the middle of chemotherapy for a stage 4 cancer and was too weak to climb the risers.  Several months later our grandson had to return home to care for his stepfather and mother, who's cancer had returned.  In spite of not finishing school, the death of his step-dad and countless other crushing events in his life, he is now doing what he wanted to do anyway. We are very proud of him and his resilient spirit.

My oldest son's oldest daughter will be graduating from middle school next year, too. Everyone is growing up so darn fast!

2014 and 2015 are big years for our family. Our grandson is expecting a baby daughter any moment, 4 graduations, a niece leaving for New Zealand to study and possibly a granddaughter leaving home for college.

Time is flying by fast. It makes me feel as if I should tie a rope around my waist, and the other end to a tree, so that I don't fly off the earth as it spins, seemingly, faster and faster.




April 22, 2014

Home Alone

A friend of mine was going to be home alone for a couple of days while his wife made a quick trip. He posted a list of possibilities for his time while exalting in alone-ness! (Notice, I did not use the sad word loneliness).

My husband and I were married almost 30 years ago. We've been together over 32 years.

His job would take him away from home occasionally for a week at a time. Now, I love my husband and I love being with him, but damn, I love being alone, too.

We both worked in high profile positions. We dealt with the public (good and bad) all day long, every day. We like people and we enjoyed our jobs but there were days when the energy could be sucked right out of you by good people in bad moods or in a hurry or who have lost their "nice" or left it at home.

The first couple of times Frank left for a conference or convention, one of his sisters would show up at the house each night he was gone. I can't tell you how many tubs full of hot water and bubbles up-to-here went cold and flat while I sat visiting in the living room. Or how many times a glass of wine, fluffed pillows and an open book called out to me from my bedroom. You won't believe how many bowls of shredded wheat (dinner) went soggy sitting on the counter in the kitchen while I sat in the family room being "kept company"!

Somewhere about Frank's fourth or fifth trip, on a Thursday evening (he was returning on Friday) I received a call from one of his sisters.

"Toni," she said, her voice full of guilt, "I am so sorry. Tonight is my turn to keep you company and I just can't make it, something has come up!"

"What?"  (That was me, sounding a little confused!) "What (still me) do you mean "its your turn" to keep me company?"

She explained that they had all thought I would be lonely on those nights while Frank was gone so they decided to take turns just dropping in to keep me company. You see, they love me and they didn't want me sitting alone, in the dark; depressed by the absence of their big brother!

After a good laugh, I put an end to all that nurturing support!

"What the hell!"(Me again). "Don't you all realize that I love being alone! I have paid my teenagers to go to a movie and have pizza afterwards just to have the house to myself! I love soaking in a tub of bubbles or bath salts for hours, reading, exfoliating, sipping a glass of Merlot! I love leaning into the pillows on my bed, reading for hours. Uninterrupted reading of a good book is second only to making love, simply orgasmic! Not having to speak to anyone for several hours and then having the whole bed and all the pillows to myself! Smothering my feet in vaseline and sleeping with his athletic socks on to soften my feet! Walking around the house with a hot oil treatment in my hair, plastic bags wrapped around my head and an oatmeal mask clinging and dripping from my face! Listening to my "chick" music or playing the piano and not worrying about mistakes. Passing gas freely without having to say, 'excuse me' and pretend to be embarrassed!"

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. When he returns to the family abode, I am always happy to see him. I am rejuvenated! I have refilled my tank with go-juice! I greet him with open arms.

So, I put an end to Babysitting for Toni! My wonderful sisters-in-law will come over and float in the pool and talk sometimes when the old guy is gone but not because I don't want to be alone or can't be alone but because I really want to share time with them. There are also those times I relish the alone-ness.

Being alone with one's self is a good practice but being alone in your own home is paradise!

 My List
(for when I am home alone)

Refill My Tank!


September 09, 2008

Manual For Climbing A Mountain



Paulo Coelho....don't you just love him!

In this little masterpeice he writes, "Respect your soul, don't keep repeating, "I'm going to make it. Your soul already knows that, what it needs is to use the long journey to grow, stretch along the horizon, and touch the sky!" ( I am not sure if the quote is completely accurate but you get the idea)

If you concentrate so tightly on making it you end up at the summit the very same person who started the climb......

How many times I have done this exact thing. I have been so intent on climbing the mountain.....whatever the mountain is at the time.....that I forget to look out at the view, to smell the pine and listen to the wind....feel the rock in my shoe and take the time to remove it....the journey has become lost for the sake of the summit. Then I am there, right at the top....planting that little Toni-flag in the peak and wondering what's missing.....

Have you ever committed that sin against your soul? Forsaken the journey for the destination? Can the goal ever be as sweet as it can be if you have missed the details of the climb?

...and just because the mountain is there do you have to take a linear, do-or-die path straight up to the summit or is it equally respectful to your soul to wander around the mountain, climb a tree or two, make a new path, introduce yourself to the flora and fauna and ask how their day has been?

Who knows, once you've talked to an first-growth Sequoia, a granite boulder that was traveling since the ice age and a lizard or two, maybe the summit is not as tempting and your soul just wants to walk down to the river and swim.