Aunties

Do you know how important Aunties are?

I can't imagine having grown up without Aunties and, even, at 63, I have an Auntie that still inspires me, calms me, teaches me, makes me laugh and shares her wisdom (which, by the way, have no strings attached and that's the best!)

Aunties teach you that you can fly if you want but to wear knee pads in case you loose your train of thought.

Aunties teach you that it really is okay to fill the dirty pans with soapy water and hide them in the oven until morning!

Aunties teach you to dance.

Aunties teach you to toilet paper houses and about "see food"  (don't ask!).

Aunties teach you to steal signs (again, better if you don't ask).

Aunties teach you that to dream big is your right and duty and that people who want to pop your dreams are pinheads.

Aunties teach you that sometimes love doesn't make sense but do it anyway and other times they teach you that love makes sense but "this ain't love" so RUN AWAY!

Some Aunties sneak you tampons when your mom says, "No, wear this twin size mattress so everyone knows you're on your period!"

Aunties take you to the Mall, your first concert, sneak you cookie dough and teach you how to make friendship bracelets.

Aunties teach you about Little Bunny FooFoo, how to cross the street in heavy traffic and about flexibility.

Aunties teach you that many things are flexible including some rules!

Most importantly (except for the tampon part) Aunties teach you about unconditional love.

I saw two potentially awesome Aunties get their first feel of the position last night. There was no hesitation, both are totally ready to step up to the plate. But one of them fell in love with her neice in such a big way. You could see it in her eyes, her demeanor, her spirit. Even the baby felt it. She snuggled right into Auntie Haley's arms for the first of many cuddles.

Go-To's

When you are overwhelmed and stressed to the hilt, where is your Go-To space to unwind or vent?

Does your Go-To depend on the time of year or time of day?

Drive-time has an influence on my respite destinations. If I am completely wound up, I head for Whiskey Creek at Whiskeytown Lake. All my favorite unwind tools can be found there; mountains, trees, body of water and quiet. Perfect space for deep breathing, mind clearing and making mellow! Mostly perfect. There are times of the year when salmon are on their life-long mission to feed the bears. I find that looking over my shoulder for large furry mammals with fish breath and the anxiety of wondering if I will be Fish-breath's dessert is counter-productive to relaxation.

There are many times that I don't wait for stress to launch me in the direction of my favorite space. Random books will whisper to me to grab a pear and a quilt and take said book to visit the mountains and trees where it will share it's words, sentences and paragraphs with me. Sometimes my journal and favorite pen convince me that the short drive would benefit us all.

Now, there are times when the stress is partially dictated by time. I have a couple of quick Go-To's. If I am in pedestrian mode, my Rex and I will walk to the Diestlehorst Bridge and watch the river flow, again, some of my buddies are present, mountains, trees, body of water. Peace can be found there but quiet is a matter of perception.  If I am operating a fossil-fuel based vehicle and have a limited time frame, I find there are two spaces alongside the Sacramento River that inspire peace and tranquility.

There is a wonderful space beside Hat Creek I call my own bit of paradise, though I have sneaking suspicions that it isn't truly my own. I am often greeted with impressions in the dirt at the edge of the creek. The indiscretions abound, as footprints often include boots, bare feet, tennis shoes, dog or coyote, bear, squirrel otter, chipmunk, deer and reptile! I'm hoping those really big ones belonged to a Great Dane or St. Bernard and not a mountain lion.

Some long distance Go-To's include Gold Beach, Oregon, Lithia Park in Ashland, a nameless creek on the Pit River arm of Shasta Lake, a certain bench at Capitola's little promenade and the Rewoods.

There are a couple of Go-To's within arm's reach. My bedroom, my living room, my backyard or floating in my pool, eyes closed, limbs relaxed, every body part submerged but nose and lips. Nice!

Have you thought about your Go-To spaces?

What about your Go-To people!

Who do you feel safe with when the world gets too heavy for your shoulders?

I have several good friends with whom I can talk about anything. When anxiety pulls on me like gravity and my fingers are slipping their hold on the bar of sanity, threatening a long fall into the pit of darkness, my sister, Sherree, is my Go-To.  Julie has been-there for me for years and years and years and Lyn is fairly recent, but all-in.  Robin is a sister-in-law but one of the best listeners in the world. Those four women are all Joan of Arc's and help me slay dragons if need be.

Have you got any other Go-To's? Vodka, Running, Shoes?

If all is well, I love a glass of wine (or two) but try to stay away from alcohol if the pit of despair is looming. I lean more towards Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia therapy! Though, now that I am supposed to be meat-eggs-dairy-free, I might have to keep some strawberry-rhubarb-ginger sorbet in the freezer for those Need-A-Go-To moments.

Music and showers are good therapy, as well as, swimming, working with clay or watching French Kiss with Meg Ryan and Kevin Klein are good Go-To's/  Folding towels works too, as long as I don't have to put the suckers away.

Meditation works, prayer is good. I also find that primal screaming works wonders in the privacy of your car.

I found the best relief though comes from climbing trees and, of course, flying!

Family Is Good For The Heart

When I sit in a room, filled with my grandchildren, children and their spouses, I am overwhelmed by the sense of contentment and joy.


I wish I could tell you all the times one granddaughter or another would wrap her arms around me and whisper, "I love you, Nana!" Or sat next to me on the couch, held my hand with a nice squeeze. Or snuck me a spoonful of cookie dough! The pure joy it is to have my grandson hug me and tell me he can't wait for his baby to meet me.

As usual, many conversations were carried on with sprinkles of movie quotes here and there, though the quotes are leaning toward contemporary movies and less from 1980's and 90's flicks. I don't remember hearing, "Good news! Your friend is only mostly dead!" Not once! But I did hear, "And Darth Vader was all WHAAAAAA?"


Late at night, I could lay in bed and hear whispered girl-talk floating down the hall. Whispers would then drop to barely audible but I could hear tiptoeing on the hardwood floors, the silverware drawer slide open ever-so-slow. I couldn't hear the cookie dough container pop open but the complete silence told me the chocolate chip midnight raid was a success!

No one would have ever known. Dough container was back in fridge in morning, no dough in sleeping bags or on upper lips. There were the spoons in the sink, though, trails of cookie dough and licks on them.  It was obvious the caper was a success and the spoons might have been their calling card; a way of saying, "thanks for getting us the cookie dough, Nana! It was yummy!"


I am thankful for each and every one of the members of my family. If Karma was a big thing in my life, I would swear that in a past life I must have been a national hero of some kind. My rewards in this life are abundant! My life is truly blessed. My cup runneth over for I am a rich, rich, rich woman.

Great-Grandparents!

Within the month, we will be great-grandparents! I am a little overwhelmed! Not by being a great grandparent but by the title.

I think back about my own great-grandmother and great-grandfather. Great-grandpa was a tall man, six foot five, just like my youngest son. He owned a room his was in but not so much by his size as by his grace and quiet strength. He exuded an Aura of Safe, if I can say that.

Great-grandma was four foot eleven. She was tiny and yet she was bigger than life. She would sit at the table with family playing poker with a little shot glass of whiskey near her pile of coins. Her poker face could win awards except when she looked at any of us kids. Her pride and love shined when she looked at us or talked to us.

She built her own sod home in a prairie of New Mexico. She cut the sod along-side Great-grandpa, and stacked it. She was a bootlegger and had a cave carved into the hill behind their home where they stored the liquor. She had a tatoo of Our Lady of Guadalupe on her forearm! Yes, my little great-grandmother sported a tat when even most men did not display art or lover's names on their bodies. Maybe she thought the tatoo went along with the little derringer she kept in her garter!

When I was a very young girl, I remember standing next to Great-grandma's chair eye-level with her hands. Her hands reminding me of the gnarled roots of an ancient tree. The thought that I wanted my hands to look just like hers when I was her age embedded itself in my mind. Those hands declared to the world "I have lived life to the fullest!"

Great-grandpa would get up early every morning and make a pot of coffee. When the coffee was ready, he would fill a cup of the hot liquid and take it to Great-grandma in bed.  They would sit in bed and talk about the day. They shared a great and deep love for each other and for family. I don't ever remember a harsh word escaping the lips of either one of them.

Great-grandma came to visit us in California when she was in her 90's. I remember her wearing high-top tennis shoes (Keds) and jumping from rock to rock with us kids in the surf.

Great-grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was about 3 or 4. The doctor told him that he had about 6 months to live. He told the doctor that dying was not on his agenda and lived for another 6 or 7 years.

Their lives and their stories were almost mystical and mythological!

Yes, The title of Great-grandparent is definitely going to be hard to live up to.

Red Letter Days

Do you remember all your red-letter days?  Do you remember your emotions, what you wore, maybe momentous moments during the event itself?

One of our granddaughters graduated from 8th grade yesterday. Her mother was remembering her 8th grade graduation and the gifts she received from her father and me.  I bought her tickets for her and a friend for an AHA concert (also one for me!).

The concert was at the Concord Pavilion and it was glorious! I loved watching my daughter's joy more than the concert itself.

Yesterday was a little like that AHA concert. Our granddaughter shined but so did her mom. I enjoyed watching my daughter's joy and pride as much as watching her daughter dressed "all-grown-up"! It really was a pretty special evening.

My husband noticed that I was watching my daughter's reactions to the event. He put his arms around me and whispered, "I know!"  We both got a little tear in our eyes.

I thought back to the 8th grade graduations of our grandson and oldest granddaughter.  There was overwhelming love in our younger son's eyes and posture as he watched his oldest daughter walk across that stage to get her diploma. Next year he will have two graduations. His youngest will be graduating from middle school and his oldest will be receiving her diploma from high school.

Our grandson's graduation was very emotional. We were all so proud of him, shared his dreams for leaving home to study in Sacramento three weeks later. His step-father, a man who really loved him was in the middle of chemotherapy for a stage 4 cancer and was too weak to climb the risers.  Several months later our grandson had to return home to care for his stepfather and mother, who's cancer had returned.  In spite of not finishing school, the death of his step-dad and countless other crushing events in his life, he is now doing what he wanted to do anyway. We are very proud of him and his resilient spirit.

My oldest son's oldest daughter will be graduating from middle school next year, too. Everyone is growing up so darn fast!

2014 and 2015 are big years for our family. Our grandson is expecting a baby daughter any moment, 4 graduations, a niece leaving for New Zealand to study and possibly a granddaughter leaving home for college.

Time is flying by fast. It makes me feel as if I should tie a rope around my waist, and the other end to a tree, so that I don't fly off the earth as it spins, seemingly, faster and faster.

These Things I Know To Be True

The blogging world that I frequent has been presenting blogs about "things" or "Truths" we know for sure.  Most are captioned "10 things I know to be true."

I want to play along but I think I am going to do this in series! There is the Time involved and mix in a little humiliation because, quite frankly, I am not really sure I know 10 things for sure!

Socrates said "an unexamined life is not worth living"?  I swear, my life is nothing if not self-examined and over-self-examined, but I have never counted or made a list of "Truths According to Toni" or entitled a journal, "Toni's Universal Truths!" Though I confess that my ego and I are quite tickled at the idea of a little leather tome with just such a title etched in gold leaf on itselegant little spine!  I would publish it in a New-York-minute if I wasn't so sure that the magnus opus of my life would just sit unsold and un-dusted in a clearance book store at the far side of some factory outlet mall.

Maybe I could talk my friend Brooke into placing it into her library at school and conduct a "token" check-out once a month for the sake of my image to my descendants! (Does one's ego burn up in the cremation process or will it linger about for a century or two still seeking external validation?)

Toni's Universal Truths: These things I know to be true.


1.  There is a God.
Frank and I were driving through the mountains last weekend listening to a CD from his repository of inspiring presentations. (digression:  (which will be one of the universal truths for me but don't know where on the list) We always take talk-CD's for inspiration, yellow pad and pen for notes, soda on ice to stay hydrated and a loaf of good bread, grapes, cheese and maybe little chipotle chicken strips to keep the growling tummies from interferring with discussions)...so, anyway...
Frank and I, still driving and listening, when the speaker reminded us of the cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's comment during his flight through space, "I don't see any god up here...".  I pushed the button to stop the CD and looked at Frank. He looked at me. Both of us,  profoundly saddened by such a statement and the poverty of spirit!

Neither of us can imagine, floating in space, thousands of miles above the earth, surrounded by the dark and stars and wonder...how could one NOT see God!!!

Our old friend, Pastor Jim Ledbetter, once told me if you don't believe in God there is nothing anyone can show you that will make you believe but if you believe in God, everything you see is proof that God is real. I truly see the hand of God in almost everything I see.

What is real? Definition: "real, noun, realm of actual or practical experience as opposed to theoretical, abstract or idealized realm."  Do I believe that somewhere there is a throne in heaven and a male-being with a long white beard is sitting there?  No, absolutely not, but have I had actual and practical experience with God, hell yeah!  Okay, maybe I could have said that better, but I KNOW and BELIEVE with everything in me that a Universal Spirit of unimagined intelligence and passion exists.
There is a God. This much I know to be true.

2. There are Universal Moral Truths.
Truth is not something that should be voted on nor should moral laws.  While some things or notions can be declared to be the truth my majority of voters or critical mass or 100th-Monkey-thinking there are some things that are flat out not open for interpretation or relevence.

I feel my whole body slipping back in time now, being drawn back to Ethics class in college (ah, those were the days, oops, digression! ).  Ethics: Critical Thinking? Just Wars? Theory of Value? Morality? Yes, that's it, Morality?  Are there universal laws ruling morality? I say, again, Hell yeah!

Swept back in time, I sit in the classroom, the heavy, emotional, discussion is about defining morality. How do we define what is moral and what is not? Majority of the students were, apparently, die hard believers in the values of democracy. Opinion was majority rules on what is right and what is wrong?  "Is prostitution moral?" "Is rape moral?" Popular opinion in the classroom that evening: What does the majority think?  Well, excuse me, who is the majority in any given situation?  In a world of 200 sailors, home from years at sea and a village of 20 women and children what do you think the majority is going to vote for?

I tried to explain to class that there has to be a universal moral truth that surpasses democratic principles of voting and majority rules.

In a skilled nursing facility you will usually find a demographic ratio of 30 percent (give or take) Medicare, 60 percent Private Pay and, hopefully (bottom-line-ese)  not more than 10% Medicaid/MediCal/Welfare patients. In such an environment the Majority of residents would be paying privately or through insurance.  If a vote is taken as to who's call bell should be answered first, the majority might suggest that money talks and money provides privilege.  The residents paying their way should get first call (according to last Wednesday;'s vote) but what if the private pay resident just wants someone to fluff a pillow for them or hand them a phone or their knitting and the resident in the non-out-of-pocket-minority of voters is in desperate need of assistance to the bathroom?  Morally, who should be served first?

Lets say you desire to get out and dance a little, drink a little, score a little and your dependent child is hungry, dirty, sleepy, or just wants you to hold them?  Is there a universal moral answer to this dilemma?

There exists Universal Moral Truths. This much I know to be true.

3. If there is a Heaven it will have Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia in unlimited supplies. This much I know to be true.

4.The spoken and written language is inadequate when it comes to true communication.

Love cannot be described in "real world" terms.  When an expectant mother feels that first stir of movement in her womb, an emotion that has been developing (good choice of words, huh?) with the baby reaches a level of intensity that threatens to sweep mother away.  How can one describe the intensity of emotion with the mere word "LOVE!"
I love lasagna! I love autumn! I love homemade clam chowder in a sour dough bread bowl!  Okay, the word love kind of works there. But I LOVE Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia just falls short. Doesn't quite tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
How can I use that tiny word to pronounce the depth of emotion when holding my husband in my arms in the wee hours of the morning, or when he is teaching one of our granddaughters about clouds or photography?
When I witness a mother giggling with her daughter or a father smiling at his young son as they throw a softball back and forth? LOVE falls short, way too short.
The profound emotion that surges from your heart the very moment your newborn baby utters her first sounds? Can this emotion be described in words?
The consummate grief one feels at the loss of a loved one? Can you tell me in words just how much this hurts?
Psalm 46:10 states (more or less, I am not that good with Aramaic to know the original statement): "Be still and know that I am God."
"Knowing" is very much a way of being still, being passive and letting the truth come to you, allowing the knowing to fill you up.  Communication is only part spoken or written word. Communication is about communion.
The spoken and written language is inadequate when it comes to true communication. This much I know to be true.

to be continued:

Dark Moonies

Last week as I was riding into work there was a segment on the radio advertising a Cancer Support group. One of the women being interviewed had been a member of the support group for 4 years and cancer-free all of those 4 years.

She made a comment that as ugly and painful and intrusive as cancer can be that part of it is minimal compared to the lesson of love and acceptance that she experienced. She confessed that without being debilitated by cancer, which lowered her resistance, she would never have been in a place where she could have accepted the gestures of love and caring not just offered by friends but thrust on her by genuinely loving friends....."I'm coming over right now and washing your hair for you!"

I could hear the emotions rising in her, I could hear her throat tightening as she fought back tears.

Arriving at work, I unlocked the doors and prepared the offices for the day's work. I am an office manager at a health care clinic. As I checked patients in and out throughout the day the radio-woman's statement was always in my awareness. I noticed how some of our really ill patients were driven, driven, driven people. Their need to get some antibiotices in them and get their busy-selves back to the action was their utmost goal:

"Take a day off and rest? How can I?"
"but if I'm not there the world will forget to revovle?"
"Nothing will get done if I am not there!"

Now I am sure that if this blog was a mirror you could see your reflection and just as many of you are denying the reflection.

When we stop taking care of ourselves, when we detach ourselves from the rest of humanity...except that it is our responsibility to take care of humanity because, "heaven forbid, others should take care of themselves" our bodies yell..."STOP".

If we don't listen to the little tickle in our throats or the fact that our shoulders have migrated to a tight little condo about an inch below our ears than what choice does the body have but to kick our feet out from under us?

As I contemplate that minute or two of the radio broadcast my mind keeps asking the question, "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could learn the lesson of accepting love and compassion and support without getting cancer?"

Is there a way to open our hearts to being loved without first having to be a victim of something? If allowing others to love us and help us when we are on our knees or flat on our back can make such an impact can you imagine how empowering it could be to accept those wonderful acts of genuine caring while we are strong and on our feet!

Last winter my friend Ingrid and I gathered our wits, our memories, our wisdom and our talents, our wishes and desires and dreams....spread them out across the dining room table and gave birth to the Pomegranate Project, Women Empowering Women Around The World. Our dream, to help women develop their own talents and skills, to educate them about the real history of women, to help women network and share their knowledge and experiences with each other.

An off-shoot of the Pomegranate Project was a class, Wandering By The Dark Of The Moon ~ A Daring Adventure Into The Enigma Called Woman. We begin the class in February of 2008. Many women showed up to the first class, some come whenever they can, one or two we never saw again, but those that commited to the class and have been there every dark moon and every full moon have grown in ways I cannot even dare to describe.

I've seen some eyes hooded and dulled by life's experiences sparkle again, I've seen postures change..."was she really that tall last year?" Some of the women have reached major professional goals, major changes in life long relationships, recommitting to making the personal changes to make those relationships thrive.

We have become friends and sisters. We support each other, nurture each other, kick each other's tushies if necessary (lovingly, of course). We have really grown together, we have learned to love each other, not just as individuals but as women, strong, gentle, nurturing, brave, empowered. We have learned to respect each other, and best of all, we didn't need to get cancer to do it.

Maybe the cure for cancer and all those other invasive ugly dis-eases is opening ourselves up to the inherent love in the universe!

Ingrid, Jane, Lyn, Roxie, Roxy, Yolan, Marcy, Cindy, Liz, Peg, Akaysha, Marie, Leslee, and all you other "Dark Moonies" I love you!