December 18, 2012

Christmas Blues

Every year for Christmas I decorate every room in the house; living room, family room dining room, bathrooms and bedrooms. I decorate doorways and walls and lamps and chandeliers. I decorate the front porch and the entry. I usually have a tree about 9 or 10 feet tall and decorate it to the hilt.

I do this every year by myself because my husband (love you, Honey) is in retail, which basically means that he doesn't have a day off from Black Friday until Christmas day. If he does have a day off he is exhausted. So, I decorate by myself, I shop by myself, I wrap by myself, I box up and mail stuff off by myself.

This year I just can't do it.  My Christmas tree is sitting in the driveway, I bought an uber skinny 3 ft tree because the thought of wrapping lights and decorating a big-ass tree just made me tired. The boxes of decorations (and there are a bunch) are sitting in the entry, unopened.  The presents are piled in the family room waiting to be wrapped...they look kind of lonely and naked just sitting there. I used the excuse that I couldn't find the scissors so I couldn't wrap them but my grandson had scissors in his room. He brought them out to me and now my only excuse is, "I don't want to!"

Actually, I do want to. Well, I want to want to! 

What is worse than depression? Apathy. Is there enough Wellbutrin in the world to help apathy?

I have a niece who is in a pretty awful state. She is homeless. I tried letting her stay with us a couple of times but her mental state is just too disruptive. She is a danger to herself and to my family. I help her because she is lost and needs lots of love and lots of help.  Don't get me wrong, I am not coddling her, I am using tough love and it kills me.  I want to wrap her in my arms and take care of her which would be the biggest mistake in the world. I listen to her, I take her to appts and run errands with her.
Its hard. Its very hard. She just lost her 21 year old daughter to cancer so on top of her own issues she is now trying to deal with that and its sending her all over the board.

Its hard. Not just the being with her and helping but I am getting nothing but grief from those around me for helping.  My husband and grandson have been supportive but everyone else has no problem stating what a fool I am for helping.  It hurts.

Honestly, I would rather sit on my couch and read a good book and take a walk. I would rather someone else "be there" for the lost. I would rather be working on my own mental health (which is sorely in need of some nurturing).

My grandson (dang, I love him) just got engaged. Very nice woman, I like her.  How many people have called me or texted me to tell me they don't approve of them getting married so soon!  Am I wearing a badge that says I am the boss of them. They are adults, they made a decision. If you have a problem with it, deal with it or talk to them.

I am not the Queen of the family, I have power over me, that's it. I do not perpetuate or pronounce anything. My job is to get through the frickin' day, not to lord over the family and tell them what to do or how to lead their lives, that is apparently my mother's job.

I would rather that Christmas was cancelled this year....Hey, maybe on the 21st it will be!  If the Mayans are right I won't need to decorate that tiny little tree or take my niece to the homeless shelter or mental health. 

My mom is mad at me, a misunderstanding on the phone a couple of weeks ago.  I forgot all about it  but got a call from my brother a couple of days later. He said he heard about "the Call". I didn't know what he was talking about so after asking him what he meant he explained that Mom called him to tell him that we had a misunderstanding on the phone. She didn't get a joke I had made blah blah blah, etc and at the end she got it. She told me she was sorry, she had misunderstood. So she called my brother to tell him she hoped I didn't "Make a big deal about it."  I'd already forgotten and she was making calls telling family that she hoped I wouldn't make a big deal.  She called my husband too.  I was visiting my sister when we had the call.

I came home from visiting my sister, got home in the evening and went to bed. In the morning my neighbor came over with a couple of problems she wanted me to help her with and then I got in the car and went looking for my niece who had been missing for about 2 weeks and didn't know her daughter had passed. I drove around until it got dark. When I got home there was a message from my mom on the phone. "This is momma, I thought you would have called me to tell me you got home safe and how your time with your sister was but you didn't....well, I'm not surprised!" Click!

So, I guess what I am saying in all this ranting is that my cup runneth over. My cup runneth over with helping you and you, with your demands and your lack of respect. My cup runneth over with depression and apathy. My cup runneth over with being pulled here and there and being judged on things you don't know but think you know.

I will help my niece because she needs help and apparently no one out there (except you, Alice) cares enough to get off their asses and help her get to where she can get help.  Lots of people who are all yak and no shack.

I will not call my mom because I don't have the energy to deal with the drama.

I will decorate the tiny tree and that's it. I will wrap presents but they won't be the fancy-over the top wrapping that match the bulbs on the tree.

I will continue to take my frickin' Welbutrin every day even though, obviously, it doesn't appear to be working.

And fair warning, I may wear my pajamas on Christmas day, all day, and not my best jammies but my most comfortable jammies. 

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