December 29, 2012

Gratitude Continues but barely

Eleven o'clock last night there was a knock at the front door.

I was in bed watching a movie and didn't hear it but my grandson did. Then the doorbell rang two or three times. Then my cell phone rang, it was my ex-husband's niece.  She needed to get her tent out of the garage and one of her heavy blankets, 11:00 pm and she still hasn't settled for the night. She was, as my grandson so aptly put it, "hammered"!  She told me on the phone she was sober but couldn't get into the mission, but she wasn't.

When she first moved in with us she scared the hell out of us.

We woke up at 3:00 AM with her dancing in the kitchen, Pandora blasting on the lap top and screaming to the world that she was going to kill my daughter-in-law. She had only met my daughter-in-law twice and talked only 20 minutes, if that.  She went on and on in very ugly terms what she was going to do, how she was going to do it. It was pretty damn ugly.

There were two bottles of liquor, one empty and one half empty sitting on the counter next to the the lap top.  Turns out an empty bottle was in the trash. She drank one whole bottle of Vodka, one whole bottle of Vermouth and was starting on a bottle of gin.  It took me over two hours to calm her down and get her to sleep.

The next day she remembered nothing! I remembered it and I let her know that it was absolutely unacceptable behavior in my home. I also told her that if any of the kids, grandchildren or nieces or nephews had been here I would have called the police and had her removed and 5150'd. She was threatening the life of another and herself.

While staying here she would spend the days walking on the River Trail or at the Hope Van or at NVCSS Second Home.  Now let me tell you, if you don't know, the best place to find someone who does drugs and has drugs and would like to sell you drugs or share drugs with you for a "favor" or two you can find them at those three places.

A couple of days later she showed up smelling of beer. "Only one!" she told me.  Only one, but she can barely walk and is slurring her words. I told her to get out of the house or go to bed. She broke the rules.  She went to bed and slept it off but was coming here high on meth and drinking. I told her she had to leave. I had told her the house rules, I told her that this home is a sanctuary for those that live here. We need to feel safe here, to feel comfortable.  We were very uncomfortable waiting for her to blow up again or bring some of her new "friends" home with her.

She admitted herself to mental health, she has incredible mental health issues, multiple personalities, paranoia, PTSD and incredible depression all of which are made worse by the drugs. After a 3 day lock-in (72 hour watch) she was admitted to a mental facility. She discharged herself out after 2 days. She said that one of the other patients convinced her that they were married and had been married for 6 years. He convinced her that he had been trying to prove himself to her and thought it was time to makeup. He fondled her and she called the sheriff. They made a report but apparently the patient had left the facility while the police were there. I called the facility and they said they don't know what happened but that she had discharged herself AMA (against medical advice).

We have been talking about getting into rehab, getting some help for her mental issues. She talks a good story but the minute she is on her own she is drinking and doing meth.  Day before yesterday I told her I could drive her to a program for women. The provide housing while you wait on the list. They are not a lock in and honestly, I don't know that she would stay unless she had too. I told her I can drive her to San Jose where she has family. The family tells me they want to help but she tells me that they don't...but then no one wants to come up and get her so maybe she is telling the truth.

I picked her up a couple of days ago to take her to the post office and she reeked of pot and her big blue eyes were so dilated I felt like tying a rope around my waist so I didn't fall in!

I want to help her but I can't. She won't help herself.  She is getting almost $900 a month in back child support but keeps telling me its not enough to get a little studio. She would rather live on the streets.  I am so worried about her that I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling praying that she will survive one more night.

To top all this off, her 21 year old daughter just passed away from cancer.  My husband and I were going to drive her to the Memorial Service in the bay area but she just found out that here father (who molested her for years as a child) and the father of her daughter (who molested their daughters and was ordered by court to stay away from the kids) are both going to be present at the services.  She is completely untied emotionally.  She flips from sheer anger to extreme sadness and back to sheer anger.

My own children are frustrated with me for helping her.  I help because she is a human being who needs help but I don't take care of her, I don't allow her to stay in my home and I don't, absolutely don't give her money.

All I can do is keep her in my prayers and occasionally take her to mental health or the post office. I try to remind her that she deserves to take better care of herself.

I'm feeling a little lost and a little overwhelmed. So this may be one of the days I can only find one thing to feel gratitude for.  I'm certainly not happy that my ex-brother-in-law isn't decent enough to let his daughter be at her daughter's memorial service without having to deal with his presence. I am not happy that any of the sisters or daughters felt it necessary to invite the father who molested them over the years to the services.  Again, we absolve and vindicate the predator and the victim (victims, in this case) is censured and condemned.

Today, I am thankful that....hmm...that I am a survivor. I am thankful that my dr. said somedays you'll only be thankful for one thing, don't pressure myself....

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