December 20, 2012

Welbutrin and Dutch Bros

Okay, doing better today. Wrapped all the presents. Mailed all the boxes that need to be mailed.

Christmas tree still sitting in driveway and boxes of decorations still sitting untouched in entry BUT I took my Welbutrin today and picked up a big hot Dutch Bros Kicker.

I'm thinking that when they both kick in I just might bring that sad little tree inside and light it up....with Christmas lights not kerosene!

I took a box of chocolates to the kids at Dutch Bros to thank them for giving Rex a dog bone every time I drive thru to get a Kicker. They even ask me where Rex is if he's not with me! I took a box of chocolates to my Dr.'s office.  I know the Docs there don't approve of refined sugar and all that stuff but I couldn't bring myself to buy broccoli and ranch dressing for them, my hands rebelled as I reached for the chopped veggies and my heart agreed with the apostasy.

I fired my orthopedic surgeon. I had knee replacement a year ago and am still in pain.  When I told him how much pain I was in after nearly a year he said, "Get a cane!" 

My regular Doc asked me what anti-inflammatory meds I used that didn't work, prescribed one I hadn't taken and had never heard of and guess-what-chicken-butt? My knee feels so much better. Still not 100%, some pain but not disabling pain. I can walk and I even went to the mall today to pick up the last thing on the list and didn't want to cry on the way back to my car. 

My regular Doc also said she wanted me to start a gratitude journal and list three things a day that I am thankful for. She is so sweet though because she also said, "Don't pressure yourself, if you can only think of 1 thing then just write down one thing!"

My PTSD is out-of-control.  I have had it for years and years, since I was 9.  I've seen therapists over the years and have learned all the tools for handling it but the Doc says the knee surgeon kept me on Norco too long (3 months) and taking that really evil drug caused a spiraling affect. (Should that be effect? Know what, I don't care, sometimes apathy just wins out!).  Anyway, The spiraling affect of no REM sleep for 3 months, fatigue and depression (another evil side effect of Norco: depression).  So, I spiraled and spiraled until I got so deep I reached the places where I had buried the reason for my PTSD. 

I kind of relate myself to Pandora with my very own box.  I unwittingly cracked it open post surgery and Norco; the PTSD, Depression and Ugly Memories flew the coop. 

Today is a good day though.  I slept in until about 8:30, read in bed with Rex cuddled up next to me for an hour, checked in with my niece (good day for her so far).  Ran to the mall, teased people who were wearing t-shirts and goosebumps (frickin cold today) and ran into Boardmart looking for Metal Mulisha shorts for my grandson....thank the good Lord they didn't have any.  I guess I'll have to find him something that doesn't have a skull on it....oh darn!

Talked with my grandson's fiance, she offered to help me decorate!  She's really very nice and really very good for my grandson.  I told her maybe later...maybe if I slip a little Jack Daniels in my Kicker I'll feel like it.  She's pretty mellow and said we could just decorate a little on Christmas Eve and the tree was very happy out on the driveway, getting water and cold air. 

After my visit with my Dr. (Dr. Ng, very nice woman) she asked me if I would like her to pray for me! What?!? Have you ever had a doctor ask you that?  I find most doctors in a hurry to get on to the next $135 patient visit and rarely even make eye contact.  I said yes and she took both of my hands in hers and she said a wonderful prayer.....and today, I feel better!

Now I know I am supposed to write 3 things down that I am thankful for but it is so hard to narrow it down to just 3. In spite of my severe depression and apathy (ew, heebie jeebies just thinking those adjectives are about me) I feel that I am the most blessed person in the world. I have the best husband in the world who tells me how much he loves me everyday and the positive affirmations he gives me are so incredible. I am thankful that my husband cherishes me, not many women can say that. I am thankful for my children, they are healthy and loving and smart and successful and pretty darn good looking! I am thankful for my grandchildren, 1 boy (sorry, honey, I know you're a man but said boy because that's what we Nana's do) and 6 girls.  Awesome, gifted children and young adults. I am thankful for my friend and family, my sister who is incredible, my soon-to-be granddaughter  (when they get married but no rush on that!). I am thankful for Rex, he is my buddy and he keeps me moving and when I am laying in bed crying he always comes running and lays his head next to mine and puts his paw on my shoulder.  I am thankful for cheesecake, garlic, green olives and butterscotch lifesavers.

I am thankful for this new anti-inflammatory and my Dr. and I am thankful, that right now I want to go get my little tree and deck it out! 

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