January 09, 2018

Feeling It

Cancelled the appointment with the Realtor who had the perfect house for Mom and Dad.

Mom screamed at my Dad for an hour and half, slamming things around and slamming her hand on counter, table and wall!  When I called to confirm appointment, Mom screamed, "No, I'll start screaming again if you keep that appointment!'

Many of our friends are sympathizing with our circumstances.  They say things like, "Oh, I know. My mother/father/aunt got kind of mean when they got old too." OR "Our mother kind of lost it towards the end of her life, too."

Nobody gets that this is who our mother is. She is mean. She has always been mean. She has always been abusive. She has let it be known that her children and her husband, especially her husband are beneath her. We are and have always been a huge disappointment. She has always deserved better.

One Saturday afternoon when I was twelve, I had been reorganizing my closet. My clothes were all hung up and I was just stacking all the games in order of size to put back in when all three of us kids were summoned to the kitchen.

Mom made us stand by the television. She pointed to a large crocheted doily atop the doily and a pair of scissors laying on the doily.  One of the stitches had been snipped.  She demanded that the guilty kid step up and admit their vandalism.  My sister, brother and I just stood there, and stood there, and stood there. After a long stretch of time, she dismissed Mike and Sherree. She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the tv.

"You did this!" she accused. When I denied it, she pinched my upper arm with her nails and twisted.

"Don't lie to me. I watched you do it!'

"Mom, I've been in my room cleaning my closet!"

She kept accusing me of ruining her (quite ugly) doily and of being a liar. After about 5 minutes of informing me of my incredible shortcomings, she told me she would make sure my dad heard about my indiscretion and sent me to my room.

I was so frustrated that she didn't believe me, (remember, I was 12) that when I walked into the room I kicked the stack of games that were sitting on the floor! BIG MISTAKE!

Mom had this beautiful belt, it buckled in the back and had a gorgeous bronze sculpture of a sun on the front. Mom loved to beat my brother and I with the brass sun.

Well, I got a pretty good beating that day. She said when I kicked the game boxes over, I was actually kicking her.

While we were in the same house, Mom came down with pneumonia. She was bed bound.  I thought I would clean the whole house for her as a surprise. I washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, dusted the living room and then begin to sweep the kitchen and dining room floor.

Now, her bedroom was at the far end of the hall from the kitchen and around a corner. I was not sweeping in an outlandish way but gentle sweeps to keep the sweepings close. Mom came barreling down the hall, looking like the grim reaper. She was screaming (again). "You're trying to kill me! You are raising all this dust just to kill me!"

Yup, another beating, this one not so bad because she was weak from pneumonia.

When I was raped at 9 years old, she told me that no one would like me anymore and that we needed to make up a lie about why I was in hospital. She said I was damaged goods. Who does that?

I love my mother but she has always been mean. She just doesn't have the stamina anymore to pretend that she isn't mean. Even The Guy has been shocked at her behavior in the past 3 months because she has always been very sweet and loving towards him. She used to be able to hide her meanness or jab us with passive-aggressive comments that only had meaning to us kids or Dad.

She is now 89. She is demanding that she and Dad stay in a house way out in BFE. It isn't safe for him and it is a 45 minute drive to get to them in case of emergency.  A third of the drive is on windy, unlit roads. Dad is afraid to drive. His Parkinson's has made it so that he looks down at his feet to move them but often doesn't know which foot will move. He needs a walker or cane but Mom still insists he climb a ladder to change bulbs, that he pick up the 25 pound water bottles. She has even insisted that he drive to town if Sherree or I are not available (which is rare).  (Sidenote: His car is parked in my driveway and I am not taking it back to them until I know that my dad can say 'NO!" Honestly, Captain America would find it hard to say NO to Mom!).

Today, I am taking Rex and Lily for a walk. I am going to juice some fresh veggies. I may even prep our bedroom for painting but I refuse to let...

 Dang! Must be time to revisit my therapist. She always reminds me that I am a Kick-Ass Warrior. I need some of that Kick-Ass Warrior energy right now.

Okay, wish me luck...I'm calling to check in with my folks. What was that story about the tiger behind a door.






13 comments:

  1. My heart aches to read of your abusive past. I know from my own experience how hard it is when aging parents (abusive or otherwise) made bad decisions against their own self-interest by refusing to make any changes before the inevitable fall, frailty, illness, etc ends up making the decisions for them. Sometimes we just have to let them make those bad decisions and deal with the situation later. Once things reach the stage where the doctors/hospital won't release them back to an unsafe environment and an assisted living residence or nursing home becomes the only option. Then the change isn't "your fault" but the system's and they can't fight it. At this stage, you can't help people who won't help themselves. I know this sounds cold and hard but unfortunately, it's sometimes how things work.

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  2. This was heartbreaking to read. Your mom definitely has a personality disorder and the abuse you have had to endure is criminal. I hope you find a way out of this situation soon.

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    1. You don't know how often I am tempted to just get in the car and drive, drive, drive! Hopefully running out of gas a couple of hundred miles away!

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  3. I cried for the little girl that tried so hard to please the unpleasable, to reason with the unreasonable. As someone who tries to understand rather than condemn, I wonder what the hell happened to her but I know that that does not help the people she took her anger out on, and also, that sometimes there is no reason at all.

    I sincerely hope that something changes in this situation to ease the pain of your family, especially your father and you. Hugs Toni XOXO

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    1. Really just want some quality of life for Mom and Dad. Right now, I just don't see any.

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  4. I've been thinking of you all afternoon, Toni, and this untenable situation. Your Dad's Parkinsons sounds like it's a ways along, if mobility and driving are ongoing issues for him. Does he have a GP or a specialist who could intervene and recommend that he (accompanied by your Mom) live in an assisted living residence? Sometimes parents will listen to and comply with doctors or other authority figures much easier and quicker than with their adult children.

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    1. We are looking for a new doctor for them. The one they have is retiring soon and he has zero interest in treating anyone. Even the ombudsman say he has checked out. A year ago I talked to him about Mom and he told me to bring her in and he would prescribe an anti-anxiety or an anti-psychotic. Then refused to do so because she is so unsteady on her feet. He was afraid she would fall. I called two weeks ago and his advice was to call Adult Protective Services and report Mom for her abuse of Dad.

      Dad would die if anything happened to Mom. He still loves her in spite of how mean she has been. He says the woman he married is still inside her somewhere and every now and then she pops out. He wants her to know that he stayed by her side and is always waiting for her.

      Right now the only thing we can do (per authorities) is wait for a hospitalization where the docs and discharge planner will refuse to discharge to home.

      Dad does so much better when he is with one of us kids. Socialization helps him. Music helps his gait. Stimulation/conversation gives him energy.

      Seems like a stupid waiting game to me!

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  5. You have my sympathy and understanding. My stepmother wasn't quite as abusive, but after I went off to college I never went back for more than a few days for the next several decades until she died. People like your mother are poison, but you still have to love them. I am glad you have gotten some support.

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    1. It's so strange how much I want some quality of life for them, especially Dad. He has worked so hard all his llfe and is suck a good man. He just needs a little peace.

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  6. Oh Toni, this broke my heart. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and for what you're now going through. What a difficult journey. I wonder what made your mom so angry, so bitter, so abusive. I hope you are finding time to be kind to yourself. xo

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    1. We've often wondered what has happened in her life but she has never been a person who shares. Her motto for life has always been, "What will people think!" We'll probably never know.

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  7. Toni, thank you for your honest post. My gosh we seem to flock towards each other, we who have shared such pasts. I'm so sorry you are still dealing with that horror. I just couldn't take it anymore and disowned the lot of them eleven years ago. I haven't looked back since. I feel for your dad and for you too. You're a wonderful woman! xx

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    1. There have been many times when I wished I could just pack up and move on. Just can't do it. Seems to be a big giant "F" in dysFunction when it comes to me!

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