Audio, Video, Disco

Did you take Latin in high school?  I did. I was headed for college for pre-med and my counselor advised me to take German and Latin.  German was fun, Mr. Allen, my teacher was a hoot but we will leave Mr. Allen for another day, another blog.


Latin class, however, was very...well, difficult! Not the learning of Latin but being in a public school with a teacher who was also my catechism teacher at St Lucy's Catholic Church. I was a little bit of a disruptive student in religious class, asking many, many questions. When I showed up in Mr. Loring's latin class I am sure I saw his head shake and might have even heard a little prayer escape from his lips, "Why me, God?" 


I did receive an A in the class but it was an uphill battle all the way....I did not take a second year of Latin! But I most definitely continued my catechism classes.


I discovered that Latin is fun though.  I especially love Latin mottoes. Latin adds a touch of sophistication, a distinguishable aura to a phrase. Can you imagine the Captain of a ship, standing at the helm, sword in hand, demanding obedience from his sailors, "A Mari Usque Ad Mare?"  Captain Jack Sparrow is the sexiest pirate "from sea to sea" but A Mari Usque Ad Mare makes one forget about the poor hygiene, me thinks!


For all of you who think that we are not a Christian Nation, a quick peek at the dollar bill should change your mind.  Latin phrases on it are sprinkled all over our currency.  Other than "In God We Trust"  there is the phrase "Annuit Cœptis",  literally translated, "He approves of the undertakings"! Some may certainly argue that may mean has approved but no one disagrees with who the He is.  It definitely wasn't King George!  Of course, adding the national seal with it's "Deo Favente" (with God's Favor) seals the deal....no pun intended!  By the way, speaking of the National Seal, there is also the word "Perennis" at the bottom of the pyramid which means Everlasting. That would seem to imply that God approves the undertakings forever.  Hmm, I bet He's not very happy with us at the moment. 


Surely, you have all heard Carpe Diem! Seize the Day! Get out there and do it! Live! The phrase, I believe came from Horace and the whole phrase is Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future."  My take on that? Drink your wine today folks, there might not be a tomorrow!


In the Gospel of John, verse 8:32, John pens Veritas vos liberabit or Veritas liberabit vos.  "The truth shall set you free." Especially, if you listen to me and drink your wine today!  Doesn't have to be wine! How does one say, Eat your Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia today, there might not be a tomorrow!

Nec Temere, Nec Timide  translates to Neither rashly nor timidly and is the motto of the Royal Danish Naval Academy and the University of Edinburgh.  It reminds me of Dylan Thomas' poem. 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, 

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, 

Do not go gentle into that good night.

We all call our old school or university our Alma Mater. Did you know that means Nourishing Mother?

Wish I'd had one of those; nourishing mother, that is, not a university! Speaking of mother, I believe her motto could have been, "Conlige suspectos semper habitos" "Round up the usual suspects!" Just ask my brother and sister!

Want to be your very best? Your motto could be "Ad alta" - To the summit!  Maybe you are a little learning challenged you might adopt the call, "Ad astra per aspera" - To the stars through difficulty!  But then again, why ask for trouble, shorten your motto to "Ad astra"- To the stars. Short, Sweet and can be embroidered on your baseball cap!

How many professors have had this little adage on their desks, or at least wished they had it? "Disce aut discede"? Learn or leave! 

"Audio, video, disco." Believe it or not, this is a famous Latin adage - I hear, I see, I learn. Now that is just wrong! It seems to me the interpretation should be I rock, I play, I dance! My argument that Latin is not a dead language but a language that is adapting!

My personal favorite? Aut viam inveniam aut faciam! Translation: I will either find a way or make one! Yes, one can fit a square peg in a round hole!


And you? What are you thinking of my little blog today? Are you thinking "Non Gradus Anus Rodentum!  Not Worth A Rat's Ass!

Mottos To Live By

"At No One's Expense" has long been my personal adage, though, at times, I don't live up to it, (Just ask my children). I do try. I really do. It is important to me that I hurt no one and that any actions on my part would only help those around me, help them feel better about themselves or to know that they are loved.

I like the  brevity of "At No One's Expense." Meaningful. Concise. Brief enough to embroider on a pillow if I so choose to. To date, I don't choose to!  While a statement that is "curtailed of its fair proportions" is easy to embroider it lacks in the finer details. 

My mini-mission for the month of April, is to find my own motto, to delve and explore, explore and delve into life mottos, (great way to put-off-until-tomorrow more responsible chores).

Wanderings through the archives of adages and maxims has definitely scratched parts of my heart and brain.  Some make me wish I was more courageous, some inspire me to fly inspite of my totally debilitating fear of heights. Some hint that my level of self esteem and self worth may be sorely lacking and others suggest that I "get over myself!"

John F. Kennedy inspires me with "Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth." 


After years and years of hacking away at comformity in my life I've come to realize that the older I grow the more non-conformists I see who look exactly like me! 


Judy Garland said it a little different, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."    


Helen Keller was quoted as saying, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."  Mmm, nice. Would fit well on a pillow and speaks of fortuity and sagas! Alas, while there has been adventure in my life and some daring moments, but as far as living daring adventure, well, Ms. Keller, I am afraid in comparision there has been more nothing and I kind of like that.


Have you heard of Mary Anne Radmacher?  A writer and teacher, even has a Wall on Facebook.  She suggests, "Choose with no regret." Not for me, I would be paralyzed from making any choices at all if I believed that choices could not have the option of being wrong.

Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try." 
Yoda, sir, what about Publilius Syrus, when he said, "No one knows what he can do until he tries".


So many mottos, so many adages, so much wisdom, but I have weeded out the two that speak to me the most.

William Henry Channing composes philosophical music with his  quote: "To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony."


Doesn't it just make your life come into focus, the living is in the details!  I feel as if he looked into my head and my heart and wrote this for me. But, Frederick Douglas's quote fits better on a pillow and sings to me too!

"At a time like this, scorching irony, not convincing argument, is needed."

Trees, Creativity and Longevity

Trees are the longest living of all of God's creations on this earth. What can they teach us?

Not only does the tree live by the adage "Do No Harm" but every moment of its being a tree is conducting life in a productive, nurturing and creative manner.

The tree takes carbon dioxide into its leaves and through photosynthesis produces oxygen which benefits us all, fresh air for all breathing creatures.

The roots of the tree disperse through the earth, aerating the soil, preventing the ground from compacting. Have you ever tried to dig a hole in compacted earth?  Imagine a delicate seedling trying to break through, or a little earthworm bumping its little noggan on the hard mass of compacted earth.

The profusion of branches and leaves across the sky provides shade, a little haven of respite on a hot day. Those branches are also nooks and crannies for birds to nest, squirrels to hide their stash of winter stores.

When the leaves drop in the winter, they cover the ground, providing a blanket  As the leaves decay the process warms the soil and protect the bulbs and corms and sleeping plants. Nitrogen is produced, to feed the roots and plants.

There is never a time, in its natural state, when a tree is not being creative. It is constantly growing, bud, leaves, branches expanding it's horizons.  Even in the state of dormancy the tree is creating miles and miles of roots underground.

While a tree does not protect itself by attacking its enemies, it does not stand idly by and let it's enemies attack it.  Tree's produce bark to protect it's tender wood from infestation, from scorching in the sun's heat and from exposure to the elements. Some trees create their own chemicals, oils or gas that thwarts intruders.

Is it any wonder the bible uses a "tree" to hold the forbidden fruit even though fruit grows on so many other plant types.

Is winter a tree's sabbath?  Does it "keep holy the sabbath" by its resting?  What does a tree "DO" in the resting?

Every part of the tree above the ground is idle, it grows no leaves, no branches during dormancy. But underground, ah, underground the root system is expanding, big roots, tiny capillary roots, all are growing, preparing the foundation for the next season's growth.  Is there a message in the tree for us.  Is our day of rest merely a day to attend religious services or a period for a tranquil, openness of soul?  A day to while-away or the opportunity to really be in a state of attention, to listen, to prepare the foundation for...?

Creativity is vital to the longevity of the tree.  I believe it is also vital to our health and longevity. As long as we continue to create, to learn, to teach, we maintain vitality. What do you do to maintain your vitality?  

Jennifer Gilligan

My best friend, Jennifer Gilligan. has passed. 
A little over 38 years ago Jen and I met through our husbands, John and Jack. 
As I remember it, I had just had my daughter Nicole. She was about 4 weeks old but I was deathly ill. Jack came by the house to see the new baby and introduce himself. He was waiting for John to come home and I couldn't lift my head off the pillow it was resting on. I was so ashamed but he made me feel so comfortable. He was really nice.

John came home, we all talked and made plans to have Jack bring his wife Jen and their 3 kids by.  It might have been days or weeks before that happened but when they came by I met the best friend I would ever have. Jen was a woman who shines. She was the very definition of woman, friend, mother, wife.  She truly lived for her kids.  She lived for her husband and she lived for her friends.
We were sisters from different mothers.  Jen was from New Jersey, recently moved to Palo Alto, California. She and Jack had 3 young children. Jenny, John and Michael. John and I had 3 young children, John, Adam and Nicole.  Jenny was maybe a year or two older than their John and our John was a year younger than theirs. Thier Michael was maybe a year older than our Adam and then there was our Nicole.  Jen was maybe one of the first "non-family" people to hold Nicole or to change her diaper. When Nicole was about 18 months old, Jen gave her her first haircut, a cute little shag cut. Nicole loved Jen. Adam and John loved "Miss Jen" too.
Our husbands both worked for Ma-Bell, the telephone company so they had lots to talk about. Jen and I both loved our husbands, more than life itself second only to our love for our babies and after a short time our love for each others babies.
Then we discovered a love for making our own music. We bought guitars. Jen bought a 12 string Ovation, I had a steel string Yamaha.  We played and sang every chance.....Jen is dead!
Cancer. Cancer killed her and god-dammit, I miss her.
Jen, I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I love you.

What Do You Love?

What do you really love?

Do you really love rainy days, droplets running down the window as the reflection of the candle flickers on the glass?  The dark skies, the flashes of lightening and the crackle and rumble of thunder? Or, is rain just not your thing?

Do you love baths? Sinking into a deep tub of hot water, steam on the mirrors and some nice Michael-Bubble-ish music softly playing. Do you love your baths with rich oils or salts or do you love to surround yourself with masses and masses of bubbles? Or, does the thought of sitting in a tub of water mixed with your own dirt make you shiver with disgust?

What do you really love?

I love sipping tea in my favorite cup.  It is big and handcrafted, with a good sized handle, not those little sissy handles you can only hold with your fingertips.  The potter carved a whimsical character, part woman, part bird flying through the sky along side the stars, a carving I am sure makes the tea (or soup) so much more scrumptious.

I love drinking a full-bodied Merlot from a small hand-blown glass, a glass with bubbles still in the glass, tumbler style, no skinny uppity stem to hold the glass "the correct way."  Just the little glass, a little not-perfect, not quite round, thick glass. Alongside my little tumbler of Merlot, I love thin slices of good parmesan cheese. Not thin enough to see through or fall apart when you lift the slice to your lips but thin enough to see the light of the salt lamps on the hearth.  Of course, there will be a couple of pieces of sourdough garlic bread on the plate because that, I also love!

I love sitting in the living room and listening to the conversations of my grown children in the family room. I love the humor, the intelligence, the love...did I mention humor...of those wonderful beings.  Was it really so long ago that they were just twinkles in their daddy's eyes?

I love driving. I love being behind the wheel of the car, mirrors custom set to me and what I want to see.  I love the feel of that seat belt, snug but not too tight. I don't love cruise control, yuck!  So passive, so disconnected from the road, the journey, the experience.  I like my left leg bent so my left foot rests on the seat, my hands at  10:00 and 2:00, like my dad taught me, my left arm resting on my knee and the window sill.
Asphalt disappearing under me, the little mirages up ahead.

I love to read while my husband rests his head in my lap. I love to run my fingers through his hair and I love the smile on his sleeping face while I do so.

I love the smell of coffee beans, lavender, new pencils, lemons and oranges, dirt, first rain, sandlewood, patchouli and my husband after he's been working in the yard. I love trees, I love clouds, I love the feel of old, old shirts, old sheets and old jeans. I love sharp pencils, climbing trees, sitting on big rocks with my feet in the creek. I love children's hands and old hands, holding hands and giving a hand.

I love the dishwasher to be empty when I go to load it.  I love to fold the towels fresh out of the dryer.
I love it when I find an old book at a used book store that has writing in the margins and underlined and highlighted sentences here and there.

I love over-sized sweaters and soft pajamas and I especially love that my pajamas are for lounging around in, not for sleeping (wink wink nudge nudge).

I love my little rice pillow that I warm up in the microwave before bed and keep at the foot of the bed to warm our toes while we sleep.

What do you love?

Top Three

Thanks to Allison Writes,  I learned a new game today. Top Three. Just listing your top three of anything. "Helps to pass the time when there is nothing else to say"....like that could ever happen to me!!!

My top three of life's goodies could change on an hourly basis and, to be honest, often do.  My favorite food today, being that it is a cold afternoon, dark skies threatening still more rain, would be a thick beef stew with fresh bread.

Top Three Cold Rainy Day Meal:
Thick Beef Stew with Warm Home-Baked Wheat Bread
Warm Beef Barley Soup with grilled cheese sandwich
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

What will we really be eating? Little Ceasar's Drive-thru special large pepperoni pizza...too depressed to cook.....could we have a little sunshine here, dang-nab-it!!!

I have to admit, I've been sitting in the quiet of the house, no music, no tv, no sounds at all....hmmm, makes me wonder if its cold in here because I forgot to turn the furnace on this morning....I'll be right back.

Top Three Favorite Sounds: (on a day like today):
The low rumble of the gas furnace.  It's on now, set it to 70.....shhh, don't tell Frank!
The plop, plop sound of a thick beef stew with plenty of potatoes, onions, carrots, cabbage and barley as it bubbles on the stove.
The soft tones of my CD, Jazz for A Rainy Afternoon

Top Three Favorite Rainy Day CD's:
Jazz for A Rainy Afternoon
Come Away With Me, Nora Jones
Wreck Of The Day, Anna Nalick

Top Three Favorite Rainy Afternoon Activities:
BED...all bed activities rolled up into one long fun afternoon.
Pajamas, book, fire in fireplace, candles....the scent of sandlewood and patcholi...or beef stew!
Glass of Merlot (Apothic Red, 2009),  a big, soft Jake t-shirt (Life is Good), yoga pants, snuggly over-sized sweater and lap top....let the words flow.

Top Three Authors for a Rainy Afternoon Book:
Muriel Barbery, love her use of words, of course, I always keep a dictionary close at hand...
Robyn Carr, love her little community of Virgin River, I so want to live there..
Sara Gruen...horses, elephants, relationships...

Top Three Wishes for a Rainy Afternoon: (closely related to my favorite rainy afternoon activities)
Wish I'd shaved my legs this morning!
Wish my super soft lilac pajamas with the the tiny little daisies were clean.
Wish I had a bottle of Apothic Red Merlot (even 2008 would do).

Don't Stand Still

My husband often warns people not to stand still too long at our house or his wife will paint them!  I think I just might!

Last December I decided to paint a long dark hall in the house.  I never knew what to do with the hall because it really is dark. If I hang photos or pictures on the walls they would only sit, lost and unseen and eventually gather dust. 'Nuff dust in this house, thank you.

While drawing the color pencil draft of the mural, my 7 year old granddaughter, Alaina, made the comment, "No, Nana, there are enough green trees in the world, that tree should be purple!"

Well, of course it needed to be purple, what was I thinking!

Snow...but what about the plums?

I live in California. Northern California, just south of Lake Shasta.  We had a faux spring this year in February and all my fruit trees sprang into bloom.  Pinks and whites and pinker pinks!  Plums (three different kinds), peaches, a couple of citrus trees and a pear tree that produces the best damn pears in the United States.

Only the pear tree was still sleeping. All the others were dressed for the ball, head to toe!

Then....the snow!  The biggest storm in 8 years.  Guess I'll be buying my fruit this summer!

Changing It Up

I love my house, I really really do. The interior is full of color and murals and suns and moons and stars and trees. 

There is my collections of rocks and crystals, native american art, peruvian weavings some not-native-american art, my books (oh the books!) and the knick-knacks collected over the years.

When I walk through the house it feels comfortable and homey but something is wrong. Well, not really wrong. off a bit, kind of stale.  Every Thing has been in its place for so long that maybe it gets missed in the Seeing. Does that make any sense?

So, my plan for next week is to bring everything down, off  the walls, off  the shelves, off the floor! 

Armed with dust clothes, nails and hammer, a storage box (or two) and a large Dutch Bros Kicker I am going to re-merchandise my whole house, 1970 square feet of refresh. 

Who knows, maybe I will discover something I have been looking for and maybe I will discover some stuff I can do without...and that is a good thing.

Nurturing Creativity

Many think that I am riding this lifetime suspended in a purple basket under a giant air balloon of changing colors and in bold, bright letters the word IMAGINATION is written across my balloon. They just might be right! Inspite of my horrible fear of heights I love my floating home.  The world is a wonderful place and I have an awesome view.

My view is of magic, of fluctuation and in the changing tides of life.

I am accompanied on this voyage with some pretty remarkable beings not the least of whom are my grandchildren.

As many of you know I have spent hours and hours under our big blue blanket traveling and exploring the ocean depths, oh the magic we have seen!  We have planted rocks to see if mountains will grow. Don't laugh, mountains grow very slow. Besides, the Rockies just might have been planted millions of years ago by a Nana and her little munchkins. We climb trees and walk the river trail. We observe the comings and goings of birds and bugs and the changing of seasons.

I have supervised many recipes being created in our game of Worm Soup.  You never know what comes of mixing green grass and slightly wilted tulips with sunscreen, a pinch of furniture polish, a handful of wood chips, a cup of hand shredded gluten-free tortillas and a large pinch of imagination.  The results are not just the worm soup in these adventures but the stories that are woven as mixtures are being concocted & stirred or the holes dug and soil tamped over seedling rocks.

We weave stories of discovery, we unlock doors into worlds yet to be explored.  We often find ourselves in spaces that are dusty and long-forgotten, long ago abandoned when the lights of creativity and adventure were extinguished bit by bit.

Last week, as four of my granddaughters and I sat around the kitchen table doing homework we were faced with an incredible dilemma.  Alaina (her mother says she is a 7 year old who is channeling a liberated Flapper woman of the 1930's era) was working on an assignment her teacher creates for the class that teaches grammar, editing and sentence structure.  Typically we fly through the paper and get on to spelling and math.  We launched and flew headlong into a concrete wall.  It was a simple statement followed by the question, "Real or Not"?

The statement:  "The garden had fairies in it."  The garden had fairies in it, real or not?  Real or Not?  What kind of a question is that? How can we know?  We don't even know who's garden it is, how could we know if there are fairies in it?  Could the teacher, whom we really liked (up until now) think that Alaina or any other 7 year old could answer this question with the words "not real" and break the hearts of millions of fairies everywhere, let alone her heart or her Nana's heart?

A dilemma!  How to answer?  There are only two options given....Real or Not.  Is this how it starts? Is this how our children are forced into that tight little box of our culture? With a simple statement and limited only to two choices. If she answers one way, (the way in which her soul just sings because it feels so right) it can  be marked  wrong and Alaina wouldn't get her little Plus-sign or Happy Face at the top of the page, and she does love her Happy Faces.  Or she can answer the other way, the only other option and her spirit feels just a little pinch, the first of many to come if she lets herself be limited by another's belief in limitations.

I say, change the rules!  Write a question back:  Who's garden is this?  Are you counting glass or stone fairies? Are you counting the fairies that come and go or the fairies that actually live there?  Tell the teacher there is not enough information to adequately answer the question.  Write "It is a Mystery" in the blank space and move on.  Go out in Nana's front yard and ask the fairies that live at the base of the sycamore tree in the holly what they would say!

Do not let what others perceive as a world of limitations and lack get in the way of your creativity, your imagination or the abundance of the universe. Most important of all don't let the need for the approval of others make you hide your light and your spirit.  Don't let someone else's happy face at the top of your paper become more important than dancing in the light of All There Is. Change the Rules!

Packing for 2011

Are you packed for 2011?

Remember that what you decide to leave behind is just as important as what you choose to pack! Some of the items are the same as last year and some items are new.

Must Haves:

Integrity and Good Music, as always.

Imagination and Good Books, as well.
An Open Mind and a Soft Shoulder.

Creativity, Spirituality and Good Humor.

A Good Pen and Chewing Gum, Blank Paper and Colored Pencils.

Courage and a New Bathing Suit, Bird Seed and Bubbles.

Skate Key, Lightening Rod and Lip Gloss.

My crystal door knob in case some doors have no apparent means of entry...(always carry an extra door knob with you; they are much less cumbersom than windows).

Good Wine and Good Friends.

Soft, soft, soft sheets, a feather pillow and a promise to remember my dreams.

A warm, time-worn quilt, aged cheese and apples just in case a spot of Earth invites me to a little picnic.

Verboten Objects ~ What I am prepared to leave behind:

Maps unless it is a map I am drawing for myself.
Whining, on my part or anyone elses.....NO WHINING!

Bad Attitude, Brussel Sprouts, Judgemental People and unfair judgements on my part.
Grudges, Clothes that itch or bind, Excuses for not being Authentic.

I Promise To Be On The Lookout For:

Every Opportunity to tell my children and grandchildren and family and friends,
"I Love YOU" ~"You are Special" ~ "You are important to me"

Those moments to tell someone: "Good job" "I am proud of you" and sometimes giggle at myself and say..."man, that was stupid!"
I promise to leave enough room in my bags
...and to be of the lookout for
Miracles and Angels,
Sunrises and Sunsets,
New Friends and rare birds.

Good Books, Good Music, "Good Waves, Man"
Hugs, Kisses and Macaroons, Vintage Linens and Gin & Tonics on a hot afternoon
Crystals, Naps under the sky or completely naked under the covers in the middle of the day.
Opportunities for Growth, a chance to make my own path Out of the Box and Outside the Envelope.

What are you going to pack?


What are you going to leave behind?


What are you watching for?

Grieving

This last year was the year from Hell, truly, yet, it was also a year of joy and blessings. I guess I could call 2010 the "Big Dipper Year" after the Roller coaster at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

This year one of my favorite aunt's passed, a dear brother-in-law died with absolutely no warning, a most loving and generous man, the step-father of my grandson passed away after a long hard battle with cancer and the role-model of all mothers, Mrs. Gardner passsed away. My dad had emergency 5-way bypass surgery and the hospital did everything it could to make his recovery impossible, he survived and is doing well. I lost my job ( kind of hated it anyway so that's not so bad except for the financial aspects).

On the high side, I rekindled relationships with long lost cousins. They didn't even know they were lost, they had just been lost to me. Wonderful, wonderful reunion and I swear with eveything in me,  I will never let them go again.

Big Losses, Big Gains! Major Highs and Incredibly Low Lows. Times when I didn't think the second hand of the clock would ever move again to times when I couldn't pray hard enough to slow the hands of the clock down.

I'll never be able to hug Ken or Bob again, or give my Auntie Margaret a hug and tell her I love her. I had told Mrs. Gardner how I felt about her years ago but hadn't seen her since. I can't wait until I get to hug  cousins, Randy or Karen or Brian again, to laugh with Zig or swear with Jackie or to just sit and talk with any of those wonderful cousins.

There is another loss though that is  difficult to explain and hurts in the most extraordinary way. I've lost another friend, a friend that has been dear to me for years and years. I met him when I was maybe 12 or 13. We don't see each other much or talk very often but he calls me every year for my birthday and I call him every year for his. We sometimes talk in between times. When we do talk, though, we talk until one of our phones runs out of power yet still had more to say. Each conversation begins where the last one ended.

I love him and I know that he loves me. Not in that boy-girl way but in the glorious my-dearest-friend way. He's known me in all my phases and I've known him, we trust and love each other inspite of our short comings, which we are both very much aware of and couldn't care less!

He's kind of lost to me though. He has a new woman in his life for which I am very happy for him. We all need to have that "special" someone. The sad part of it though is that his special someone doesn't want him to have any "Pre-her" woman friends. Her jealously makes them both miserable.

I called him for his birthday this year (not knowing that Special Someone didn't want him talking to persons of the female side of humanity). He didn't answer his phone but called back a day or two later. He said he had to make it quick because Special Someone would be hurt and angry if we talked. We talked quickly, wished him happy birthday and hung up. A week or two later he called again. Special Someone was Christmas shopping and he had time to talk.

It was a yucky feeling. I don't want to talk if it is going to hurt someone or if it feels like sneaking, sneaking is for kids who want an extra cookie not for 59 year old women, unless its sneaking into the spa to get those brown aging spots removed!

I was wondering how my husband would feel if he thought I was "sneaking" in a conversation with someone or how I would feel if I found out he was doing the same. I don't want to be responsible to causing someone else pain either.

But, follow me here, who is causing her pain? Is she carrying some old shit, oops, excuse me, baggage from past relationships into her new relationship that is setting her up for PAIN? Why do I have to lose a good friend because she has is carrying around a pocket full of old stuff? When humans begin a brand new relationship, why do we wrap it with all the negative garbage from old relationships? Doesn't that dull the brilliance and glory of the new?

It makes me sad but makes me wonder what yuckiness (don't you love my vocabulary?), what yuckiness have I lugged over from old relationships and asked my wonderful husband to carry for me.

So, its not right, I am gonna miss my friend but I don't like sneaking in a phone call here and there or partaking in pulling the wool over someone's eyes (unless it is surprise birthday parties or Christmas gifts) so, no phone calls from this end. I'm going to miss you Mike.

Hope you and Special Someone resolve this because its way too sad to lose someone you love when they are still alive. Dead is too real and comes to soon to play games because some old crap is being lugged around in forgotten pockets.