November 26, 2022

Pagan Ritual..ready, set,...

Time for the most fun pagan ritual. Time to get out my purple satin cape to catch the mistletoe as I harvest it. Time to Sage and sweep the house out and best of all, time to set up the holiday tree. 

We're still purging...boy, have we got a lot of shit! A lot less than a year ago. We've shredded enough paper to keep snowglobe companies in business for decades!

On the IPF side of things. The medication my pumonologist prescribed ended up being a little bit over $14000 a month and our insurance will cover enough that our cost will only be a little over $2900 a month. After we laughed until our sides ached. We declined the medication. Then the pharmaceutical company said there were several programs/ grants that helped pay the copays. Alas, we didn't qualify. Apparently we make about $15 too much per year! LOL.

We discovered that we can get a month's precription from Australia for about $895/mo and Canada between $1100/mo to 1800/mo. Crazy! Are there really people who can afford that kind of long term costs for medication? 

I started pulmonary rehab. Nice people and really nice getting back into a regular exercise routine. Other than having some chest pain and O2 dropping down into the high 80's a couple of times, I'm doing pretty good.

I was accepted into a Stage 2 clinical trial for a new medication. (happy dance!!!) The research company offered to pay my travel expenses for visiting the clinic once a month for the duration of the trial. I agreed and then discovered that the research labs are right across the river from us! 

Can't tell you how much it breaks my heart to rob the pharmaceutical company of their big bucks but I'm sure they'll get it out of someone else!

Over the years I have seen a therapist off and on, mostly for my PTSD flame ups and some of life's bigger challenges. I have the best therapist in the world (totally biased). She calls me a Kick-Ass Warrior Woman, so I occasionally need a Kick-Ass Warrior Woman tune-up!

I was telling her the biggest fear I have about dying is that I'll miss my kids. We talked about how I probably just am afraid of "missing out" on their life's events. I was primed to believe she was right.

My baby girl's birthday is in November. She turned 50 this year! (you remember, baby girl with PhD, working for the Department of Defense!)She and her husband came out to California for a nice visit, not long enough ever but still nice.

Participation is great but there is a lot to be said about observation. I did a lot of both while Nicole and Brian were here. I've spent some time with my sons and their wives, again participating and observing. When Nicole and Brian returned to Virginia, boys retured to their homes, I had a huge epiphany. I'd call it "life Changing" but I think if was more like "Dying Changing"!

I realized that what made me afraid to die was not so much "missing" my kids, it was more that I was afraid that they would need me and I wouldn't be here to help them. Now I know that kids always need their parents in some ways. My mom and dad have been gone since 2018 and I still want to call them and share things with them. I miss them dearly. My realization was that my children and their spouses, their families are solid, they're successful, they're settled, they're independent. They've made it! 

Bottom line. They don't need me to jump in and rescue them! (Once a mom, always a mom!) Honestly, they're all so successful, they would probably be the ones rescuing me! 

It's okay if I'm not around one day (except for my doggies who might sit by the door wondering why I'm gone so long). My kids have got this! They're rock stars. 

I'm so proud of them and I know whatever comes they will rise to the challenge! Makes a momma proud. 

I'm not ready to jump ship by any means but if the ship dumps me, it'll be okay!

Now. gotta go harvest some mistletoe and sage. 2023, here I come!

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