See Me Do Happy Dance!

What a beautiful morning it was! The sky was bright blue over the house and to the west. The mountains were white with snow and just a wee bit of clouds behind them.

In the east was a huge expanse of clouds, white and gray and billowing probably 30 or 40 thousand feet into the sky.  It was incredible. Glorious, even!

I drove to the store to give my husband a hug and see if he needed some lunch. Got a big kiss for my effort ( I love sucking up to him!). Then I drove to the mall, needed to pick up one last little thing.

You see, our family has this thing about Superman. Uncle John, Uncle Adam, Auntie Ashley, Auntie Nicole and Katie all have Superman t-shirts or sweatshirts. I'm not going to mention key chains, mouse pads, bobble heads or floor board pads and I'm pretty sure the boys (who are in their 40's) don't have Superman sheets anymore but I wouldn't guarantee it and I'm not asking.

We have a new member to the family. My grandson's fiance. Her journey hasn't been one of the easiest but she's part of us now and I really wanted to get her a Superman t-shirt for the 2012 Cool Members of the Family picture.  She could possibly take one look at the t-shirt on Christmas morning and sneak out the back but I'm betting she puts it on and joins the insanity.

In several months we may have her participating in whole conversations around the table that are made up of favorite movie quotes. Monthy Python Quest for the Holy Grail, Groundhog Day, Star Wars, Star Trek, Joe vs the Volcano, Princess Bride and other family favorites.

Luckily, I found a parking spot two spaces from the nearest mall entrance. (My guardian angels take excellent care of me). I jogged in (thank you new anti-inflammatory), stood in line surrounded by very questionable items in the store (store next to the calendar store outside of Penny's). Ooh la la, I am going back after Christmas but will be incognito!

By the time (15 minutes max) I walked out of the mall the entire sky was dark gray and foreboding.
What happened to my sunshine?

So, here I sit, in the warmth of my house, done with shopping, drinking a rum and coke (please don't call me and ask me to drive you somewhere because I am going to have to say NO!) Jammies on, Traditional Chex Mix next to me on the desk and contemplating an evening watching Dennis Leary's THE REF, one of my favorite Christmas movies (not appropriate for the little ones).

Gratitude: I am thankful for Dr. Ng, I am thankful for 40,000 foot walls of white towering clouds. I am thankful for Captain Morgan Rum (thanks, Randy....yum!) I am thankful for my cousin Randy and Rosalie. I am thankful that a good friend got a wonderful tribute presented to him by his son and I am thankful for Words With Friends. I am thankful for the friends that let me beat them and the friends who whoop my ass.  I am thankful for turquoise, for flannel, for quilts and feather pillows!

Let It Snow

Good news! We woke up to snow this morning. Weird news, it only snowed in the back yard! Front lawn is green, back lawn is white! Could be the giant sycamore in the front yard prevented snow from reaching the ground but I prefer to think that our house is sitting on some sort of great divide.

I have yet to decide what great divide it is but will leave it to the universe to fill me in.

Put my Christmas tree up last night and a few of my Santas. I collect Santas of all shapes and sizes. There are elegant Santas and Foresty Santas, Wooden Santas and Velvety Santas, Santas fat and Santas tall, my oh my, I love them all. (Merry Christmas Dr. Suess)

Our tree was so sad standing in the stand on the driveway, skinny and short, a little on the scrawny side but not quite Charlie-Brownish. In the house with lights and ribbon and silk bulbs it is divine.
Could actually be divine or may be that my Welbutrin is kicking in. The door is actually decorated and I''m contemplating taking a few other decorations out of the box...maybe I'll wait to make that decision after Rex and I trip over to our local Dutch Bros and get our Kicker and Dog Biscuit.

I woke up really early this morning, checked out the tree, did a couple of little itsy-bitsy chores. I was watching the snow fall and thought what a wonderful morning to go back to bed, so I did. I climbed under the covers with glasses and good book.  I read and watched the snow flakes  through my bedroom window. Rex jumped up at the foot of the bed. Every 10 minutes or so I would move my toes under him and he would move and my little potato toes would be comfy warm where he had heated the bed.  Don't you just love dogs?

A woman can not live by books alone so I checked my Facebook. Wished my Katie a happy happy birthday and now am trying to decide if my Kicker should be pre or post shower.

Gratitude for the day. I am thankful for my daughter, she is a wonderful wise woman. Very insightful. I am thankful for Katie, she is precious and special. I am thankful for the snow in the back yard which is just a little tiny layer of white that my Colorado cousins would laugh their heads off that I even call it snow. I am thankful for my Colorado cousins...even the ones that are in California, New Mexico, Texas and Tennessee, though I call them all my Colorado cousins. I am thankful for the cousins that are still in Ireland, though I haven't met you and you don't really know that I exist.  I am thankful for warm socks, anti-inflammatories that work, nachos, and the chubby dog who warms my feet when I read in bed.

P.S. I am grateful for the depths of depression so that when you climb out of it you really can relish life for all its worth.

As for the great divide I can't come up with anything that rings true. I am not a believer of opposites and dualities, I am a student of spectrums, a believer of shades of grey and not black and white. So, dear readers, I suppose my house is sitting somewhere between snow and no snow, a little like me, somewhere between depression and contentment, somewhere between conservative and liberal, somewhere between wanting to get up and moving or jonesing to crawl back in bed and finish my book.

Welbutrin and Dutch Bros

Okay, doing better today. Wrapped all the presents. Mailed all the boxes that need to be mailed.

Christmas tree still sitting in driveway and boxes of decorations still sitting untouched in entry BUT I took my Welbutrin today and picked up a big hot Dutch Bros Kicker.

I'm thinking that when they both kick in I just might bring that sad little tree inside and light it up....with Christmas lights not kerosene!

I took a box of chocolates to the kids at Dutch Bros to thank them for giving Rex a dog bone every time I drive thru to get a Kicker. They even ask me where Rex is if he's not with me! I took a box of chocolates to my Dr.'s office.  I know the Docs there don't approve of refined sugar and all that stuff but I couldn't bring myself to buy broccoli and ranch dressing for them, my hands rebelled as I reached for the chopped veggies and my heart agreed with the apostasy.

I fired my orthopedic surgeon. I had knee replacement a year ago and am still in pain.  When I told him how much pain I was in after nearly a year he said, "Get a cane!" 

My regular Doc asked me what anti-inflammatory meds I used that didn't work, prescribed one I hadn't taken and had never heard of and guess-what-chicken-butt? My knee feels so much better. Still not 100%, some pain but not disabling pain. I can walk and I even went to the mall today to pick up the last thing on the list and didn't want to cry on the way back to my car. 

My regular Doc also said she wanted me to start a gratitude journal and list three things a day that I am thankful for. She is so sweet though because she also said, "Don't pressure yourself, if you can only think of 1 thing then just write down one thing!"

My PTSD is out-of-control.  I have had it for years and years, since I was 9.  I've seen therapists over the years and have learned all the tools for handling it but the Doc says the knee surgeon kept me on Norco too long (3 months) and taking that really evil drug caused a spiraling affect. (Should that be effect? Know what, I don't care, sometimes apathy just wins out!).  Anyway, The spiraling affect of no REM sleep for 3 months, fatigue and depression (another evil side effect of Norco: depression).  So, I spiraled and spiraled until I got so deep I reached the places where I had buried the reason for my PTSD. 

I kind of relate myself to Pandora with my very own box.  I unwittingly cracked it open post surgery and Norco; the PTSD, Depression and Ugly Memories flew the coop. 

Today is a good day though.  I slept in until about 8:30, read in bed with Rex cuddled up next to me for an hour, checked in with my niece (good day for her so far).  Ran to the mall, teased people who were wearing t-shirts and goosebumps (frickin cold today) and ran into Boardmart looking for Metal Mulisha shorts for my grandson....thank the good Lord they didn't have any.  I guess I'll have to find him something that doesn't have a skull on it....oh darn!

Talked with my grandson's fiance, she offered to help me decorate!  She's really very nice and really very good for my grandson.  I told her maybe later...maybe if I slip a little Jack Daniels in my Kicker I'll feel like it.  She's pretty mellow and said we could just decorate a little on Christmas Eve and the tree was very happy out on the driveway, getting water and cold air. 

After my visit with my Dr. (Dr. Ng, very nice woman) she asked me if I would like her to pray for me! What?!? Have you ever had a doctor ask you that?  I find most doctors in a hurry to get on to the next $135 patient visit and rarely even make eye contact.  I said yes and she took both of my hands in hers and she said a wonderful prayer.....and today, I feel better!

Now I know I am supposed to write 3 things down that I am thankful for but it is so hard to narrow it down to just 3. In spite of my severe depression and apathy (ew, heebie jeebies just thinking those adjectives are about me) I feel that I am the most blessed person in the world. I have the best husband in the world who tells me how much he loves me everyday and the positive affirmations he gives me are so incredible. I am thankful that my husband cherishes me, not many women can say that. I am thankful for my children, they are healthy and loving and smart and successful and pretty darn good looking! I am thankful for my grandchildren, 1 boy (sorry, honey, I know you're a man but said boy because that's what we Nana's do) and 6 girls.  Awesome, gifted children and young adults. I am thankful for my friend and family, my sister who is incredible, my soon-to-be granddaughter  (when they get married but no rush on that!). I am thankful for Rex, he is my buddy and he keeps me moving and when I am laying in bed crying he always comes running and lays his head next to mine and puts his paw on my shoulder.  I am thankful for cheesecake, garlic, green olives and butterscotch lifesavers.

I am thankful for this new anti-inflammatory and my Dr. and I am thankful, that right now I want to go get my little tree and deck it out! 

Christmas Blues

Every year for Christmas I decorate every room in the house; living room, family room dining room, bathrooms and bedrooms. I decorate doorways and walls and lamps and chandeliers. I decorate the front porch and the entry. I usually have a tree about 9 or 10 feet tall and decorate it to the hilt.

I do this every year by myself because my husband (love you, Honey) is in retail, which basically means that he doesn't have a day off from Black Friday until Christmas day. If he does have a day off he is exhausted. So, I decorate by myself, I shop by myself, I wrap by myself, I box up and mail stuff off by myself.

This year I just can't do it.  My Christmas tree is sitting in the driveway, I bought an uber skinny 3 ft tree because the thought of wrapping lights and decorating a big-ass tree just made me tired. The boxes of decorations (and there are a bunch) are sitting in the entry, unopened.  The presents are piled in the family room waiting to be wrapped...they look kind of lonely and naked just sitting there. I used the excuse that I couldn't find the scissors so I couldn't wrap them but my grandson had scissors in his room. He brought them out to me and now my only excuse is, "I don't want to!"

Actually, I do want to. Well, I want to want to! 

What is worse than depression? Apathy. Is there enough Wellbutrin in the world to help apathy?

I have a niece who is in a pretty awful state. She is homeless. I tried letting her stay with us a couple of times but her mental state is just too disruptive. She is a danger to herself and to my family. I help her because she is lost and needs lots of love and lots of help.  Don't get me wrong, I am not coddling her, I am using tough love and it kills me.  I want to wrap her in my arms and take care of her which would be the biggest mistake in the world. I listen to her, I take her to appts and run errands with her.
Its hard. Its very hard. She just lost her 21 year old daughter to cancer so on top of her own issues she is now trying to deal with that and its sending her all over the board.

Its hard. Not just the being with her and helping but I am getting nothing but grief from those around me for helping.  My husband and grandson have been supportive but everyone else has no problem stating what a fool I am for helping.  It hurts.

Honestly, I would rather sit on my couch and read a good book and take a walk. I would rather someone else "be there" for the lost. I would rather be working on my own mental health (which is sorely in need of some nurturing).

My grandson (dang, I love him) just got engaged. Very nice woman, I like her.  How many people have called me or texted me to tell me they don't approve of them getting married so soon!  Am I wearing a badge that says I am the boss of them. They are adults, they made a decision. If you have a problem with it, deal with it or talk to them.

I am not the Queen of the family, I have power over me, that's it. I do not perpetuate or pronounce anything. My job is to get through the frickin' day, not to lord over the family and tell them what to do or how to lead their lives, that is apparently my mother's job.

I would rather that Christmas was cancelled this year....Hey, maybe on the 21st it will be!  If the Mayans are right I won't need to decorate that tiny little tree or take my niece to the homeless shelter or mental health. 

My mom is mad at me, a misunderstanding on the phone a couple of weeks ago.  I forgot all about it  but got a call from my brother a couple of days later. He said he heard about "the Call". I didn't know what he was talking about so after asking him what he meant he explained that Mom called him to tell him that we had a misunderstanding on the phone. She didn't get a joke I had made blah blah blah, etc and at the end she got it. She told me she was sorry, she had misunderstood. So she called my brother to tell him she hoped I didn't "Make a big deal about it."  I'd already forgotten and she was making calls telling family that she hoped I wouldn't make a big deal.  She called my husband too.  I was visiting my sister when we had the call.

I came home from visiting my sister, got home in the evening and went to bed. In the morning my neighbor came over with a couple of problems she wanted me to help her with and then I got in the car and went looking for my niece who had been missing for about 2 weeks and didn't know her daughter had passed. I drove around until it got dark. When I got home there was a message from my mom on the phone. "This is momma, I thought you would have called me to tell me you got home safe and how your time with your sister was but you didn't....well, I'm not surprised!" Click!

So, I guess what I am saying in all this ranting is that my cup runneth over. My cup runneth over with helping you and you, with your demands and your lack of respect. My cup runneth over with depression and apathy. My cup runneth over with being pulled here and there and being judged on things you don't know but think you know.

I will help my niece because she needs help and apparently no one out there (except you, Alice) cares enough to get off their asses and help her get to where she can get help.  Lots of people who are all yak and no shack.

I will not call my mom because I don't have the energy to deal with the drama.

I will decorate the tiny tree and that's it. I will wrap presents but they won't be the fancy-over the top wrapping that match the bulbs on the tree.

I will continue to take my frickin' Welbutrin every day even though, obviously, it doesn't appear to be working.

And fair warning, I may wear my pajamas on Christmas day, all day, and not my best jammies but my most comfortable jammies. 

She's BaaAAAaaaaAAaack!

Its been a really long year, Long year. Remember last January when I made the resolution to keep my blog up and write much more often? Funny thing...that was my last blog for the year.

I had a total knee reconstruction which I might add was TOTALLY unsuccessful.  I am still in pain and of course constant debilitating pain is depressing.  I had a total nervous breakdown in April. Not a pretty picture.Oh, then I found out I'd had a heart attack the prior year. I remember the day, I was crying and holding my chest and told my husband that I thought my heart was breaking....guess what..it was!

Hard to spell correctly let alone write clever sentences when you feel like crap, so I've pretty much stayed away from writing anything, well except for a little email I thought might be helpful for someone I love more than my life itself and found out that I am a perpetrator of lies and basically not a nice person. Add that to the pain and depression....yippee...wish I was brave enough to pull the trigger but basically, I am a chicken.  Guess I'm gonna have to wait for someone to drop space garbage on my head  or run a red light and t-bone me...anyone....anyone...anyone.

Okay that explains the past 11 months.  People arguing and putting each other down about politics, family stuff,Parts of the last two years have sometimes made me wish I was adopted, or at least blind and deaf.

What inspired such a loser to get back on the laptop and write?  Poor you, cuz I am about to tell you.

Yesterday I was surfing through Facebook.  Checking out the cute Twinkie cartoons, seeing what friends and family are up to. I saw a picture with a bumper sticker on it. The bumper sticker read, "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT YOUR BABIES DADDY". It was posted by a dear friend who I really really love. It was "Liked" by a couple of other people that I really really love.  These women who I love so much are also adamant Pro-Life proponents.

You're 14 years old and you just been raped you better have that baby...oh yeah and remember:  "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT YOUR BABIES DADDY"

You're 16 and just found out you're pregnant and 18 year old boyfriend who swore undying love is heading out to college and is not coming back EVER...you better have that baby and, oh yeah.. "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT YOUR BABIES DADDY"

You're living with your boyfriend and found out your pregnant. Your boyfriend decides he's not ready to settle down so he's going to go sow some more wild oats and will catch up with you later...you better have that baby and oh yeah.. "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT YOUR BABIES DADDY"

I am so angry I can hardly stand still.  How many of these girls and women and many many other scenarios have had to turn to Medi -Cal or MediCaid for prenatal care, for delivery of their babies. How many of these girls and women have been kicked out of their homes and families have turned their backs on them?

If you are going to fight hard to prevent abortions and then post a picture that states:  "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT YOUR BABIES DADDY" you need to sit down and think again. We are the government. You and Me, and him and her. If you think abortion is murder and want to crusade against it then you better be prepared to help those girls and women raise those babies or at the very least help those girls and women get back on their feet so they can take care of those babies by themselves.

If that bumper sticker is posted by a Christian, than I don't want to be a Christian.

So Much More Than Just A Cup Of Coffee

Do you remember your first cup of coffee?  Did you ever stop to think about how many pivotal moments in your life were accompanied with a cup of hot, aromatic coffee sitting at your side?

So many of us love the smell of coffee first thing in the morning! For some it is energizing, for others it is comforting. But what happens when that robust aroma is not expected? You walk into a room in the middle of the day and bam, there it is, coffee! Where does it take you?

The smell of coffee is probably one of the first memories to take up residence in the baby-Toni brain. I find it hard to recall a morning, growing up, that coffee wasn't part of the scenario. I did not partake of the drinking of coffee, just the sniffing, until I was about  14 years old.  We were on a family vacation. We rented a 25 foot trailer and parked it north of Crescent City, California one night on our way to Oregon.  There was a large lagoon on the east side of us, as we slept that night, and the Pacific Ocean on the west side. I had never slept along side the ocean so I spent most of the night listening to the pounding surf and wondered how the water got to the lagoon and if we would be washed out to sea.

In the morning, the fog was thick and the ocean sounded angry.  Mom and Dad were sitting at the little table, warming their hands around their mugs as the steam rose above their coffee. Mom's coffee was black, no cream, no sugar. Dad's coffee; black, two sugars.  I sat there in my light grey jeans and navy blue sweatshirt, just a little shiver going on, not so much from the cold as the "BIG-ness" of the event. Ocean. Fog. Giant Sequoias. Mystical mists that detached themselves from the thick fog and floated towards our little traveling abode as if to probe the contents and determine our purpose for intruding.

Mom handed me a cup filled to the brim, coffee, cream and two sugars.  I wrapped my fingers around that cup and was warmed right down to my toes.  Sipping slowly, I felt the whole world opening up to me.  Instead of feeling like an intruder, I felt as if I belonged, probably the first time I felt like that in over 5 years, since leaving Colorado when I was 9. Not just belonged in California, but belonged on the beach that cold morning in the fog, belonged with those majestic trees. I was not an intruder, I was not an observer but I actually had a relationship with all the wildness of nature, I was in harmony with it. I wasn't afraid, and if the ocean had decided to come wash me away it would be an adventure not a battle.

Just one cup of hot coffee on a cold foggy morning on the ocean....pivotal!

Do you remember your first cup of coffee? What does that smell first thing in the morning do to you?  What pivotal moments in your life were accompanied with a hot cup of java?

Ceviche and Resolutions

Happy New Year to all.  2012, has a nice ring,  doesn't it?  My resolution for the new year is to blog more often, to blog those stories and events that I think about and to hesitate less about putting words to paper.

One, two, three....begin!

I am often asked for my recipe for Ceviche, which is raw shrimp marinated in lime and garlic. I thought I would put it down and then when asked how to make the magic I could just say, "Check it out on "musingsfrommara"! Cool idea...or not, but it will save me the time of writing it down each time I am asked!

Warning (and disclaimer):  I don't typically follow recipes and I don't measure, so everytime I cook something it is just a tiny bit different. I am going to list the ingredients and approximate amounts and you can change it up to suit your taste.  (Like the way I put it back on you if it doesn't taste as good as I've promised!)

Ingredients:
1.5 pounds of shrimp. I like to use shrimp about 1 or 1.5 inch but you can use large prawns just clean and cut them up in 1" pieces or you can use the teeny weeny cocktail type shrimp. Your call.  I find that the size I use gives you a good bite.
1 large yellow onion
1 large armenian cucumber  or seedless cucumber  (equal to about 1.5 regular cucumbers)
3 or 4 cloves of garlic
4 or 5 stalks of celery
3 or 4 serrano peppers
1 very large red bell pepper
8 limes
3 or 4 or 5 green onions with good healthy stalks
cilantro
sea salt

Not necessary but certainly suggested would be a couple of cold beers, Pacifico or Tecate, an extra lime and a little salt on a plate....for the cook and helpers!

Night before you are going to serve your ceviche (if you are using pre-cooked shrimp you can do this in the morning-of  but an all-night marination certainly adds to the scrumptiousness and makes the shrimp almost crunchy)....okay, back to night before....clean and peel shrimp, rinse well. This can take awhile if you are not used to it.  A CD of appropriate music can help prepare the mood and enlivens the task, Buena Vista Social Club or Cesaria Evoria  is right on the money. The music will travel down your finger tips, into the prawns and create magic!

Juice 6 or 7 of the limes and cover the shrimp with the juice.  Chop the garlic into tiny, tiny bits and mix in.  Refrigerate overnight.  I sometimes put mixture in a zip-lock baggie with the air all squeezed out but I like the taste better in the morning if I've used a glass or ceramic bowl....probably psychological but, hey, it's my kitchen and I do what I want!!!  Just make sure the juice covers all the shrimp.

Next day, at least 3 or 4 hours before serving get out all your ingredients and prepare your space for singing, dancing and creativity.  Chances are, you may have gone through the Pacifico, or if you had help with last night's prep  you may have shared the Tecate....Good For You!  So, this morning you will need to bring out the Long Island Ice Tea (chill your glass in the freezer, make sure the rum is good stuff  and celebrate the creativity of cooking).  Our musical accompaniment for this part of the dish demands tunes with a touch of Ole'...I prefer Gypsy Kings ....can use say "Bomboleo"?

Let the shrimp stay in the fridge will you chop the veggies. Ceviche tastes the best when it is really really really chilled!  Dice the onion, cucumber, celery, red bell pepper, green onions. Place into large bowl.  I would estimate that for the amount of shrimp about 1 1/2 cups of each veggie should be used.  I scoop all the seeds from the cucumber. Ceviche is all about the crisp of a bite so nothing mushy!

Ceviche was one of the best kept secrets of South America for, apparently, centuries!  Depending on where you are on the continent it is known as ceviche, seviche or even cebiche, but it is know as GOOD...uh, excuse me, BUENO!  MUEY BUENO!    Many consider ceviche the National Dish of Peru, suggesting that ancient indigenous people salted and marinated their fish and the Spanish introduced lemons and limes and the marriage of the two cultures created this marvelous dish. Some historians hold that ceviche's roots are in Arabia.  All I know is that in the making of Ceviche  there should be a great merriment!

When the cook celebrates life, dances and sings and toasts to God and Goddess, the partakers of the dish will be blessed with good food and life's blessings!

You are sipping that Long Island Ice Tea, aren't you?  By now you should have grasped the hand of anyone who has wandered into the kitchen and spun them around in your version of Salsa.  Your hips should be swaying to the music and every now and then arms up and feet stomping.  Kitchen Flamenco is mandatory! Wheelchair bound cooks....no excuses! Snap those fingers and spin! Ole'!

Serrano peppers....Thank You, God, for this little beauty.  I clean all the white membranes and seeds out. Did you know that peppers have been cultivated in South America (Ecuador) for over 6000 years.  Christopher Columbus encountered them in the Caribbean and took some back to Europe where most plants were kept as botanical exotics but the Monks (God bless the Monks!) experimented with the peppers and found them to be a real boost to their culinary arts!  I, personally, can't imagine a life without chili peppers. Maybe, just maybe, the poverty of the European kitchens in the middle ages was the cause of such turmoil such as witch hunts and Inquistitions.  The lack of delicious flavor will, indeed, make one cranky!

Rinse the cilantro and pull the leaves off the large stems.  I don't chop the cilantro as small as the veggies.  I kind of like the look of the wavy leaf here and there in the ceviche.  I chop about a quarter of a cup, loosely, sometimes more, sometimes less. Cilantro is definitely a "to-taste" ingredient.  I like lots, other like it not so much!

Drain the lime juice out of the shrimp. It will have a kind of milky tone to it and milky tones are not appetizing, unless you are talking about milk or vanilla ice cream.  I don't drain it in a colander though because I don't want to lose any of the little bits of garlic. Just tip the bowl and drain out what you can. Now mix it all together, veggies and shrimp mix.  Cut the last lime in half and cut a thin slice for garnishing. Juice the remaining halves of lime and add to mixture.  Add sea salt to taste, garnish with slice of lime and cilantro.  Return to fridge until serving time. Serve with a little salt dish of sea salt and invite your guests to use their fingers to salt the dish to their taste.  Fingers are essential tools to sensuous meals!

Serve as a salad, an appetizer, with chips as a salsa or on a hot day in the middle of summer serve poolside as the main dish with an ice cold beer and a shot of Patron!

Substitutes? Oh so many!  You can add roma tomatoes (remove the seeds, remember no mushy!), roasted corn is a great addition (adds color and taste!), black beans if you are looking for more protein but then you will have some moosh! An orange or yellow bell pepper for color and more crunch.  Sometimes I add a shake or two of dried red crushed peppers or will take another clove (or two) of fresh garlic and add it to mixture with veggies.  Pampered Chef has a wonderful little concoction, Buffalo Rub, and a little spritz of that can add some pizzazz!
I hope you like it!
Oh, if you're really lucky and blessed, your significant other will want to share the event with you and hang out! My husband Frank cleaned and straightened the pantry, discovered some long lost CD's  and hung out with me.

Culinary Hint:  Kissing in la Cocina adds flavor to every meal!

Satyagraha

Satyagraha?

What is satyagraha? It is a philosophy from India which means to do anything, give anything, sacrifice anything, to pursue what is right without harming another and to do this without regard for self.

Do you have the strength of character for satyagraha? I often wonder that about myself. I definitely have my values and principles and my list of things that start with,
"Well, I would never......."

But, would I? Do I?

I am a woman who has lived a blessed and gifted life. Many of the things I say I would never do, I say them because I have never been challenged by those circumstances. When you look at challenges from a distance they always seem to be constructed of black and white blocks but the closer you get to those challenges the blacks and whites fade to shades of grey.

Ghandi, a man who really introduced Satyagraha to the world at-large, a proponent of "passive resistance" and non-violence and was actually awarded a Nobel Peace prize was a great poser and coward it seems to me. He talked big in the world of men and politics but beat the women in his life. How does one live with those conflicts?

In the light of day with the world watching he taught one thing but behind closed doors he was a different person....

Nelson Mandela was, I believe, is a man who's name and face is more iconic of passive resistance and nonviolence. A man of honor. I would hope that I am more like Mr. Mandela.

I pray for the strength of authentic satyagraha and that Father/Mother/God never test me.

Spam Intervention

Dear Spam,
We seriously need to talk. If there was ever, ever, E-V-E-R, ever a need for intervention, well, let's just say I hear your desperate cry!

Please, Spam, I don't know how many more ways to tell you, but:
1.  I don't own a penis, undersized or otherwise, and I certainly do not want one.
2.  I know what my credit score is.
3.  Though my relationships are none of your business, I feel I must inform you that I am not looking for hookups so tell eHarmony, Zoosk, Match.com and all your other friends to stop bugging me. I will call them if the need arises!
4. I don't care what Bunny, Lulu or Victoria does in the privacy of her bedroom, nor do I care to share her gymnastic talents with her and her friends.
5. I do not need Carbonite. I can save my own stuff here at home.
6. I only knew 6 of my High School Classmates and I am still in touch with them. Oh yes, and my yearbooks are in the bookshelf in the back bedroom, if I want to look at them its free!

Spam, honey, please, get some help.  Get outside and get some sunshine and fresh air or climb back into your little weird shaped can of gelatinous goo. Just stay away from computers....you and keyboards....not good, honey, not good.

This Too (2) I Know To Be True!

5. I digress. This I know to be true!

Yes, I have a way of digressing. Two of my granddaughters have noticed the randomness of life and will periodically state: "Random!" and then say what has just randomly come into their thoughts. They, also, often look at each other after I have said something and smile and say "Random!"

I believe that in my case calling out "Tangent" might be more accurate! There are several definitions of tangent. Tangent is an adjective and a noun, it is geometry, trigonometry and idiom!
Now you might say that when I digress my actions are that of the idiom-tangent according to Dictionary.com.: "off on/at a tangent, digressing suddenly from one course of action or thought and turning to another."

I would disagree! I think my digressions are more closely associated with the Geometric definition: "touching at a single point."

I can totally wipe out all connections to the trigonometry definitions: "the ratio of the side opposite a given angle to the side adjacent to the angle" or "a trigonometric function equal to the ratio of the ordinate of the end point of the arc to the abscissa of this end point, the origin being at the center of the circle on which..." okay, okay, you get it, right? My digressions are clearly free of ratio, abscissa and ordinate, though "end point" does relate...somehow....maybe.....

You see, my digressions are "connected" at some point. Like when I am telling a story and mention that it started on Tuesday and then realize that it probably wasn't Tuesday because on Tuesday I had coffee with my sister-in-law and then went to the library and a quick run to Shopko for some soda and hair dye because in this economy I am cutting down on my trips to see Valerie and get my hair done which has caused me to have a section of a neon shade of red close to my scalp because in Hairdresser-ese "warm" does not mean warm and cuddly, it means red!

See! Connected. Nothing shiny that grabbed my attention just connection, connection, connection.

Did I ever tell you how much I enjoyed diagramming sentences when I was a kid in school?

I know, I know, you are thinking to yourself, "She's done it now, that is totally random!" If that is your thinking, then you are totally wrong! You see, Tangents, geometrically speaking, are connected at points.

The Tuesday-sentence above had many connections which reminds me of diagrammed sentences and how much joy they brought me creating those little sideways trees on my lined paper. That makes me happy!

So, I digress. But not in the "attention deficit...squirrel" kind of way. Nope. Though I am feeling a strong allure to look up the definitions of abstract and pulchritude...

So, as long as we are speaking of wandering since the definition of "digress" is not just about wandering off the subject or point in speech or written topic but it also suggests to wander from one's path or main direction.
Yes, this is a more archaic meaning of the word but this part of the definition sings to me. Nothing I like more than to wander from the main path.

Driving on the main highway and an enticing side road invites you to slow down and discover new things. Do you stay the course or do you digress?

I digress. This I know to be true.

6. Happy is a choice we make for our own life. this I know to be true.
It is not my job, or your job or God's job to make someone happy.
If you spend your time trying to make someone else's life happy, you are assuming responsibility that is not yours. It is also not your business.

Now if you would like to make someone smile, Great! That would be very nice of you, but to dedicate yourself to making that other person always smile is a waste of your life and a waste of theirs.

Helping a person to learn to smile on their own would be a much better use of your time as long as its not the only thing you use your time for.

Also, it is not someone else's job to make you happy! If you think your happiness depends on someone else, well, get used to being sad or a whiny, demanding manipulator.

Being happy is a choice we make, this I know to be true.

These Things I Know To Be True

The blogging world that I frequent has been presenting blogs about "things" or "Truths" we know for sure.  Most are captioned "10 things I know to be true."

I want to play along but I think I am going to do this in series! There is the Time involved and mix in a little humiliation because, quite frankly, I am not really sure I know 10 things for sure!

Socrates said "an unexamined life is not worth living"?  I swear, my life is nothing if not self-examined and over-self-examined, but I have never counted or made a list of "Truths According to Toni" or entitled a journal, "Toni's Universal Truths!" Though I confess that my ego and I are quite tickled at the idea of a little leather tome with just such a title etched in gold leaf on itselegant little spine!  I would publish it in a New-York-minute if I wasn't so sure that the magnus opus of my life would just sit unsold and un-dusted in a clearance book store at the far side of some factory outlet mall.

Maybe I could talk my friend Brooke into placing it into her library at school and conduct a "token" check-out once a month for the sake of my image to my descendants! (Does one's ego burn up in the cremation process or will it linger about for a century or two still seeking external validation?)

Toni's Universal Truths: These things I know to be true.


1.  There is a God.
Frank and I were driving through the mountains last weekend listening to a CD from his repository of inspiring presentations. (digression:  (which will be one of the universal truths for me but don't know where on the list) We always take talk-CD's for inspiration, yellow pad and pen for notes, soda on ice to stay hydrated and a loaf of good bread, grapes, cheese and maybe little chipotle chicken strips to keep the growling tummies from interferring with discussions)...so, anyway...
Frank and I, still driving and listening, when the speaker reminded us of the cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's comment during his flight through space, "I don't see any god up here...".  I pushed the button to stop the CD and looked at Frank. He looked at me. Both of us,  profoundly saddened by such a statement and the poverty of spirit!

Neither of us can imagine, floating in space, thousands of miles above the earth, surrounded by the dark and stars and wonder...how could one NOT see God!!!

Our old friend, Pastor Jim Ledbetter, once told me if you don't believe in God there is nothing anyone can show you that will make you believe but if you believe in God, everything you see is proof that God is real. I truly see the hand of God in almost everything I see.

What is real? Definition: "real, noun, realm of actual or practical experience as opposed to theoretical, abstract or idealized realm."  Do I believe that somewhere there is a throne in heaven and a male-being with a long white beard is sitting there?  No, absolutely not, but have I had actual and practical experience with God, hell yeah!  Okay, maybe I could have said that better, but I KNOW and BELIEVE with everything in me that a Universal Spirit of unimagined intelligence and passion exists.
There is a God. This much I know to be true.

2. There are Universal Moral Truths.
Truth is not something that should be voted on nor should moral laws.  While some things or notions can be declared to be the truth my majority of voters or critical mass or 100th-Monkey-thinking there are some things that are flat out not open for interpretation or relevence.

I feel my whole body slipping back in time now, being drawn back to Ethics class in college (ah, those were the days, oops, digression! ).  Ethics: Critical Thinking? Just Wars? Theory of Value? Morality? Yes, that's it, Morality?  Are there universal laws ruling morality? I say, again, Hell yeah!

Swept back in time, I sit in the classroom, the heavy, emotional, discussion is about defining morality. How do we define what is moral and what is not? Majority of the students were, apparently, die hard believers in the values of democracy. Opinion was majority rules on what is right and what is wrong?  "Is prostitution moral?" "Is rape moral?" Popular opinion in the classroom that evening: What does the majority think?  Well, excuse me, who is the majority in any given situation?  In a world of 200 sailors, home from years at sea and a village of 20 women and children what do you think the majority is going to vote for?

I tried to explain to class that there has to be a universal moral truth that surpasses democratic principles of voting and majority rules.

In a skilled nursing facility you will usually find a demographic ratio of 30 percent (give or take) Medicare, 60 percent Private Pay and, hopefully (bottom-line-ese)  not more than 10% Medicaid/MediCal/Welfare patients. In such an environment the Majority of residents would be paying privately or through insurance.  If a vote is taken as to who's call bell should be answered first, the majority might suggest that money talks and money provides privilege.  The residents paying their way should get first call (according to last Wednesday;'s vote) but what if the private pay resident just wants someone to fluff a pillow for them or hand them a phone or their knitting and the resident in the non-out-of-pocket-minority of voters is in desperate need of assistance to the bathroom?  Morally, who should be served first?

Lets say you desire to get out and dance a little, drink a little, score a little and your dependent child is hungry, dirty, sleepy, or just wants you to hold them?  Is there a universal moral answer to this dilemma?

There exists Universal Moral Truths. This much I know to be true.

3. If there is a Heaven it will have Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia in unlimited supplies. This much I know to be true.

4.The spoken and written language is inadequate when it comes to true communication.

Love cannot be described in "real world" terms.  When an expectant mother feels that first stir of movement in her womb, an emotion that has been developing (good choice of words, huh?) with the baby reaches a level of intensity that threatens to sweep mother away.  How can one describe the intensity of emotion with the mere word "LOVE!"
I love lasagna! I love autumn! I love homemade clam chowder in a sour dough bread bowl!  Okay, the word love kind of works there. But I LOVE Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia just falls short. Doesn't quite tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
How can I use that tiny word to pronounce the depth of emotion when holding my husband in my arms in the wee hours of the morning, or when he is teaching one of our granddaughters about clouds or photography?
When I witness a mother giggling with her daughter or a father smiling at his young son as they throw a softball back and forth? LOVE falls short, way too short.
The profound emotion that surges from your heart the very moment your newborn baby utters her first sounds? Can this emotion be described in words?
The consummate grief one feels at the loss of a loved one? Can you tell me in words just how much this hurts?
Psalm 46:10 states (more or less, I am not that good with Aramaic to know the original statement): "Be still and know that I am God."
"Knowing" is very much a way of being still, being passive and letting the truth come to you, allowing the knowing to fill you up.  Communication is only part spoken or written word. Communication is about communion.
The spoken and written language is inadequate when it comes to true communication. This much I know to be true.

to be continued:

Seal Talk

‎"Go get the ball!"
"No, you get it""
"No, YOU get it!"
"SOMEBODY! Get the ball!"