When I Say NO!

What does it mean to "honor" someone?

Dictionary.com informs us that honor is a noun, a verb and an adjective! 

What is Honor, the noun? It is "honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor."  It goes on to higher distinctions but for today's post, that's all the noun we need!

Verb "honor" is all over the map, from a simple show of respect to on-your-knees worship, as in a Supreme Being or Johnny Depp!

I'm going to whittle it down to the basic; simply "show a courteous regard for " which Dictionary.com lists as definition # 17.

"to show a courteous regard for"

Seems pretty clear and simple.

To show a courteous regard for......

How do we do that in the real world?

One of the things taught to young girls and women as a tool of self-worth and for self-protection is to always be aware of the people around you. Do those people regard you with honor, do they display respect for you? Do they regard others with honor and respect?

The book Gift of Fear describes a story about a young woman carrying her groceries up the stairs to her apartment. A stranger approached her, he was also climbing the stairs. He put his hands out and told her he would carry a bag for her. She said "No."  He showed a total disregard for her by insisting, and she finally relented. She didn't want to be rude or hurt his feelings. He eventually raped her.

She said "No."

He insisted on having his way.

She capitulated in spite of his total disregard for her and her word. He was the one who displayed discourteous behavior, yet she was the one who didn't want to be rude, so, as we good girls are taught to do, she folded.

I know that this example was pretty extreme. I could have kept it to a spoiled adolescent who wants to attend a sleep-over and Mom says, "No!"  Adolescent says, "Yes!" and "Why" and keeps it up until Mom buckles under the pressure or insists the child go to her room.

When we make a decision and give voice to it, yet another person ignores it and persists in having  their way does that show honor? Is that a courteous regard for us or our feelings? Is that someone we should be in a relationship with? 

If I buckle under the pressure of "not being nice" instead of holding to my convictions and I get hurt again, is that wound not my own fault? Is it "not nice" to hold people to simple respectful expectations?

If I've hurt someone, broke a trust or crossed a line, what consequences can I expect?  

Adjective:pertaining to or noting honor.

Noun: missing

Verb:  missing

Adjective: missing

How does Dictionary.com define "friend"? "...a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."  "Personal Regard."  Seems to me there should be a little "honor" in that phrase.

Where Do I Know You From?

My friend, Diane and I sat eating birthday cake last night. As we nibbled ( or wolfed, depending on what side of the forks you were on) we discussed various subjects.

I like her a lot. She shares the same sense of humor that I have, though I am much further north of irreverent than she is!

The fiance of my niece entered the space.  Diane whispered that she had seen him in Home Depot or Lowes last week, knew that she knew him but couldn't place him without my niece standing next to him. Being a little on the shy side, she hesitated to approach him but he looked up and greeted her.

"Diane, Happy New Year!  How are you?"

"I'm doing good, how are you?"

"Just shopping for supplies to attack the "to do" list Chris gave me for Christmas!"

Ah, she though, it's Dennis!  They had a pleasant conversation and than continued on their way.

We live in a fairly small town so one runs across quite a few faces that are familiar but out-of-context the name that goes along with the face might elude one.  Sometimes this is caused by a blip in the occipital lobe. Other times it is a mild form of prosopagnosia; you don't recognize the face because the facial expression you usually associate with the face differs from the expression you are witnessing at the moment. Or, simply, the face is not where it belongs in your personal reality.

You spot the receptionist from the dentist's office at the mall and she is smiling. Her typical disdain because she is aware that you don't floss as well as you should is not apparent.  Obviously, she doesn't recognize you either without your  expression of anxiety.

You're at Jack In The Box,  the cashier from Walgreens is smiling, eating a Western Double Bacon Cheeseburger. She isn't stressed because there isn't a line 10-deep and no response to her call for assistance. 

Maybe you are in the waiting room at the Smog Check shop and your brother-in-law's sister-in-law's cousin's mom is behind the counter, smiling! Who knew that could happen?

Or maybe it's your mailman and the face if familiar but you can't see his knees because he is wearing jeans and a black Metal Mulisha sweatshirt with skulls, not his typical benign blue shirt and those cute blue wool bermuda shorts. Could be your OB/GYN and you're having difficulty placing his face without your knees framing it!

Diane commented that, while she is hesitant to ask some one, "Where do I know you from?" many folk often look at her and ask "Do I know you?"

That happens to me often, too, but I have a pretty good gift for faces and names. Diane might tap her chin and try to think of where the familiar face might fit in her life but I can usually remember their birth date, blood pressure, weight and the medications I called in for them to Target or if they usually ran a pretty high balance due.

Diane is nice. I can be nice, but being retired and sometimes a tad bit bored, I have to create my own entertainment, part of the irreverent gene, I suppose!

Over lemonade and lemon cake, my friend and I discussed how to answer that question in the future.

Question:  "WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?"

Potential Answers:

1. "Group therapy in rehab, don't you remember me?" ( this one works well if you pull the sleeves of your sweater down past your wrists as if hiding track lines or hold one nostril closed with a finger and sniff lightly with the open nostril )

2. "Shh, we're supposed to be anonymous, remember?"

3. "OMG, how can you forget me? I will never forget that dance you did on the bar. Did you ever find your bra?"

4. "Oh, you wouldn't remember me, I was in the jury at your trial. I bet you looked cute in those orange jumpsuits!"

5. "Weren't you the lady standing behind me when airport security insisted that my breasts were too firm and I needed to be strip searched?  Sorry about hitting you, I just started swinging!"

6. "Wow, you do look familiar. Were you at Attica? I've only been out a week though I still say I didn't kill that guy?"

7.  "Yeah, Man. You're that Dude from the Mother Ship, right?"

I'm betting Diane will be hesitate before she goes out in public with me again.



 

Call Me "Slow"!

The NFL is almost over for the year. After SuperBowl, winter is just winter.

Long, cold days. Bringing in wood to feed the hungry stove. Bundled up and reading. Bundled up and writing or just bundled up and shivering.

I was thinking about something that I could do to start out the new year and get myself unbundled!

Last week my granddaughter, Katie, shared her excitement over a book she is currently reading.  She is thirteen and I can't tell you how exciting it was to see her holding the book open, her legs draped over the arm of the big leather chair, her head resting on a pillow, consuming page after page.

I asked her about the book. Her face burst into what I can only call " jubilant exuberance"! She talked about the book for an easy 10 minutes. The protagonist is a young girl, probably about 13, too! Then she explained the different classifications of characters.

The discussion continued, not just about the book but how the different aspects of the characters showed up in life or could change a life. It was fun!

I decided that I want to start a monthly book club. How fun it would be to share what Katie and I had shared with my peers!

This morning, after chores, writing, showering and bundling, I picked up the Ipad and googled "how to start a book club?"

Tons of information. I went from site to site, making notes, jotting down ideas of my own.

Then I came upon Oprah's website. Not only does the site give you an outline of "How to" but the last page or two lists discussion questions.

I could have smacked myself in the forehead with the Ipad...hard!

Writing my book, I have researched character building, psychology, narrative forces, point-of-view specification....dang me if I hadn't studied it all. With an AA in Communication Arts, I was pretty sure I had covered all the bases.

Today, as I read the Oprah suggestions for discussions, I had one of her "Aha" moments!  What an epiphany to post those questions next to my work space!  Post those questions on my refrigerator door and on the mirror in the bathroom.

Why not ask my characters these questions? Why not visualize book club members  asking these questions about my book?

I am so excited about this flash of insight! My plan is to get into pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt,  make myself comfortable on this chair in front of this monitor and not come up for air until at least Monday or Tuesday. I'll ask my husband to make excuses for me for Friday night and Sunday afternoon's social engagements. I'll have to cancel my meeting on Monday morning and I swear, first thing Tuesday morning, I will shower....

Discussion questions.....Bring it on!

What Is Going On?

I jumped out of bed this morning. Cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed family and living rooms, swept the hard wood floors, tossed out aging leftovers from fridge. A quick pat on the back and shower!

By 10:30, I was ready to sit at the computer and write for two hours. My promise is to write at least 10 paragraphs a day. That quickly grew to two hours which, at times,  becomes 6 or 8 hours when I am in the zone!

Writing: Done!

Ah, now, some leisure reading!

I filled a tall glass with green tea, lit a couple of candles.  Put a tea candle in the oil burner with a drop or two of eucalyptus/lemon essential oil. My Nook is fully charged, phone turned off!

I keep several blankets and quilts in each room for cuddling up. I also have two blankets for the dogs to curl up on.

Being a cool day, I put a quilt into the dryer to warm it up. After 5 minutes the quilt was ready for me, my book and my chair.

Goose bumps raced up my arms....guilt free reading, wrapped in thick warm quilt. Maybe hours and hours of it! I better run and go pee first so my glorious time is not interrupted later.

I returned to the family room in less than two minutes.

My warm quilt is on the Dad-chair and Thor and Kona, our two Pit Bulls are curled up, nesting in it's warmth. The burgundy dog blanket is barely on my chair, mostly on the floor....cold!

Rex, our Border Collie, is, curled up on the end of the couch with eyes peeking up at me as if saying, "It wasn't me!"  Kona is snoring but Thor has one eye watching me. When I put my hands on my hips, Thor closes his eye!

Now we might suppose someone else is in the house and switched blankets. Nope, all other adults are at work.

Did the two blue-nose babies drag my quilt off my chair and over to the big chair?
Did the border collie move the blanket to get the boys in trouble?(he isn't very fond of them)
Is it time for that commitment hearing my daughter is always talking about?

Maybe...just maybe...I won't read so much Koontz ....I''ll try a Stephanie Plum detective book this afternoon!

Belonging

Christmas Eve today. Headed out to deliver some gifts, buy some asparagus and baby red potatoes.
Not going to lie to you, not excited about getting on the road on Christmas Eve, but I have a nice bottle of Merlot to calm my nerves when I get back home.

Tomorrow we will gather at my oldest son's home to celebrate the holiday....oops....excuse me...to celebrate Christmas (Note to word police: sorry, sorry, sorry, really, sorry).

On the 30th, my other son and his family will arrive for a visit. He will be here for a couple of days but it never seems long enough to really talk and share and just be.

I think about family. Last week some of the family sat in a hospital room while our husband, dad, brother, son, grandfather was in open heart surgery; there was a bunch of us. Several generations. Tomorrow there will be almost 5 generations at my son's house, yes, we have one growing in mama's belly.

When I think about the wonderful bunch sitting in the hospital and the group gathering tomorrow, adding the group to gather for the changing of the New Year, my heart expands way beyond the walls of my chest, even beyond the walls of this room and beyond the walls of this house.

If you were an observer, you might look at the group, listen to their conversations and wonder, "what the hell are these people doing together!"  If nothing else, we are a diversified bunch.

Tattoos, Master's Degrees, Triatholon athletes, Kung Fu students, students of gymnastics, singers, musicians, dancers, gimps, pierced tongue and pierced ears, even a pierced belly button or two. Christians of every level~even borderline pagans and an agnostic.  Cat lovers, dog lovers, cat dislikers, snake owners, tarantula owners, gigglers and grumps, cup-half-full and cup-half-empty, cup-runneth-overs.  Some Republican, some Democrats, some liberal, some conservative and a couple of moderates. Engineers to Nightclub bouncers, public and private sectors, retail to academia. Managers, Coaches, Artists. Veterans and Pacifists. Typically, we have no fence sitters. Everyone has an opinion and each opinion is welcome. (well, mostly. Sometimes we get uppity but that's life). At different times of our lives we have all spun cartwheels or dragged knuckles, again, part of life.

Dysfunctional at times, at odds at times, but always loving each other.

The outside observer might look around and think to themselves that these people do not fit!

The individuals may not fit perfectly in the puzzle that is called our family but there is one thing I know for sure. We belong, we ALL BELONG, because we are a family. In the end, isn't that what matters? Belonging, be a part of the whole. Acceptance, Validation and Love.

I am so happy you are all part of my life.

On this Christmas Eve, I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and Blessings without end.


Dang, I wish I had more to say right now. I really, really do not want to go out in the traffic or into any stores filled with people who are filled with the spirit of Christmas. Did that yesterday and some of those people were just a little bit scary! Wish me luck!

Eh?

Spent a couple of days in the hospital keeping watch with family while my brother prepared for emergency arterial bypass surgery. (He went through with flying colors and is already home! Pioneer stock!)

His sons were there, our mother, father and sister and, of course, his wife.  While brother is in surgery the whole family sat in the waiting room, watching the 49er's football game.  My brother's wife sat mostly in silent prayer or reading, the rest of us talked and watched the game.

Now, imagine this: the television is on,  Mother, Father and both nephews are very hard of hearing (can you spell deaf?') My sister and I realized about half hour into the sitting and waiting that six of us were having 4 different conversations but all thought it was the same conversation.

It went something like this.

"Grandma, how have you been feeling since your stroke?"

"Thank you, I bought it at Penny's but I'm not sure this is a good color for me!"

"That's good!"

"I left it in the car, but thank you anyway, I'm fine!"

"Go! Go! Go!"

"Touchdown!"

"What?"

"Frank Gore ran it in for six points!"

"No, I think that was Vernon Davis"

"Yeah, Adam said she wants to major in animal husbandry, she'll be a lot closer to us at Davis."

"They shaved him, you mean his chest?"

"I'm fine, honey, I got lots of rest last night."

My sister and I just watched and giggled and every now and then Sis would throw in something totally random....yes, even more random then what was already going on!"

"Why do giraffes have purple tongues?"

Prompting a response, "yeah, Keapernick is so much better than Young!"

Then there was was the Dance-off between my 85 year old mother and my little sister, and the singing, "Go Grandma, Go Grandma, Go Grandma..."

The room had it's fair share of what's and huh's but it was a room filled with love, crazy love, but still LOVE!

Winter

Organization

There is a place for everything in this house.

A drawer for the scissors and scotch tape, push pins, batteries, etc.

A file that the "to be paid" goes into.

A spot for rags for cleaning.

A shelf for keys, a drawer for matches.

Decree from the Post-Menopausal Woman of the House: Put it Back!!!! Now!!!

1....2....3....4...5...when I get to 10 the packing tape better be on the third shelf in the laundry room (WHERE IT BELONGS)....6... 

Yesterday....not the Beatles version!

Yesterday, I wrote about a meltdown I had the day before. In the meltdown I sorta trashed poor 2013.

I've been on the warpath against 2013 for a big part of it. Wrongly.

I am not saying it wasn't a tough year for our whole family. It was a year of trauma, drama and serious situations and conditions. I am not making excuses for losing it on Tuesday nor am I apologizing for it but, when you come right down to it, 2013 proved our family to be strong, resilient and one tight group of supportive, loving people (if not slightly dysfunctional).

I started some pretty intense therapy in the beginning in the year with the best therapist in the world. Just in time, she helped ground me.

My mother did have a stroke last year and it was damn scary but she has not only survived the stroke, she is better than ever.

My grandson and his girlfriend had a miscarriage but are expecting again and she is 12 weeks healthy.

Dad was diagnosed with a scary condition. Several more tests and procedures and he is completely out of the woods.


My brother had an emergency coronary artery bypass, four way, and the next day he was up, second day he was walking, eating solids and going home tomorrow, better than ever.

It's been tough for a couple of other family members in one way or another but we are one resilient family. We will reach that light at the end of the tunnel and we will outshine it....really, we will.

What did I learn from 2013? More than I can ever explain.

Remember when Oprah gave her whole audience new cars and she was yelling, "You get a new car and You get a new car and You get a new car.....".

I'm feeling a little bit like one of those sitting in that audience, jumping with joy. Screw the car though, I get a NEW YEAR and you get a NEW YEAR and you get a NEW YEAR and in the words of my therapist, I am a "Kick Ass Warrior"!  2013 confirmed it. 

Our family is filled with Kick Ass Warriors. We not only made it through this year, we have risen to each challenge and kicked its ass!  There are a couple of challenges still looming but compared to the Stroke, Miscarriage, Cancer, Coronary Artery Disease, they are like a fly on a bear's back...!

All in all, 2013, thank you for the challenges. You honed us. We rose and are continuing to rise to the occasion.

Every now and then....

...a person just needs to take a deep breath and scream WTF!

But this was a WTF Year and I thought I was doing a good job of maintaining.

Jobs got done, everyone in family is on the mend, extended family has had some trauma but things are falling into place, outlook is good.  I'm talking BIG stuff, too.

Yesterday, my friend came by to check on things. How's brother? How's mom and dad? What's happening with sister? How about brother-in-law.  We were sipping tea and just talking.

She looked around the room, "Aren't you going to decorate for Christmas?"

I kind of laughed. "I haven't even done any gift shopping yet either, but I have 10 days."

She shook her head and said, "No, just seven."

"Isn't this the 15th?"

"No," she answered. "Today is the 17th! A week until Christmas!"

I started crying  (WTF) and I couldn't stop! Can you believe that?  Strokes, Coronary Artery Bypasses, Colon Cancer, Borderline Homelessness....big ticket items and the simple statement,
"ONE WEEK UNTIL CHRISTMAS!" drops me to my knees. I literally couldn't stop crying!

Big decision ahead of me...72 hour hold in the closest mental ward or conversion to Jehovah Witnesses who don't celebrate Christmas!!

Anyone out there know of a mental ward that serves margaritas?

Sold My Piano!

If there is truly an after life, will I be judged evil and committed to Hell forever for selling a member of the family? Last week I sold my piano and the young woman who bought it took it away today.

Bethany, the young missionary who has just returned from China, came in and gave me a big hug. She promised to cherish my Art Deco, Story and Clark beauty.  She is getting it tuned immediately. I saw her lovingly stroke the cherry wood, claiming the piano as her own. When she played it, the music was heavenly.

In my heart I know it is going to a good home and down the road when finances are better I will buy another one. (or steal one, as long as I am probably headed to hell anyway!)

Funny, when making music with an instrument a minor miracle occurs. The wood and metal and strings transform from an inanimate object into an almost sentient being. I am using the word "almost" because the soundness of my sanity is already under suspicion and I don't want to add any fuel to the fire! (Shh, "they" are watching!)

With my piano, actually any piano that has ever lived under my roof, and my guitars, I believe that a part of my spirit and soul travels from my heart, down my arms, through my finger fingertips and infuses the instrument with a life and soul of it's own. This piano was especially enriched. Each of my grandchildren have sat at it making music since they were babies!

My grandson sits to play Ozzie Osbourne's "Crazy Train" and other bits and pieces of rock tunes. Two of my granddaughters have written their own songs with this piano. One granddaughter has actually written lyrics for her songs and they are good!  My dad has played the Boogie Woogie on it, he also plays Chopin's Polonaise and the Hamm's beer song!  My niece taught my granddaughter's a song and they play it every time they pass by the piano. Everybody in the family plays Beethoven's Fur Elise and various little ditties. I loved all those moments.

Piano, I will miss you! Don't worry about me; I'm Catholic, I will confess the sin of selling a beautiful family member and may only get a couple of eons of Purgatory. Knowing you and sharing those memories was worth it.

National Priorities

Just read a headline: "Michelle Obama presents the White House Christmas decorations". A staff of 83 people decorated the rooms and the first 24 trees. The 25th tree is upstairs and the Obama family will decorate it themselves.

Our national economic crisis has had us cutting funds for school lunches and breakfasts for hungry children, medical care for sick children, medications for seniors, shelter for 1,600,000+ homeless children in the U.S., etc. Why do we need 25 Christmas trees in the White House?

This is not a personal attack on the Obamas.I like them. I, for the most part, have respected their attempts to draw attention to important issues. Over the years, other First Ladies have also presented beautiful, over the top decorations and huge gingerbread models of the White House. It is a precedent that has been set over the years and continues. Our Annual National Monument to Decadence!

This is a serious question. Why millions of dollars would be spent to decorate the White House for 30 days out of the year when those dollars could help so many people? What is wrong with a big, beautiful tree in the entry and a very nice tree for the family in the private quarters?

It hurts my heart that our priorities seem so upside down.