Good Days

A friend and I had a wonderful picnic at Whiskey Creek yesterday. We got out early and were in the water by 10 a.m.

We sat our folding chairs in the lake, our quilt in the shade and pretty tablecloth and picnic basket on the closest table.

The water was perfect. A goose mistook one of my toes as part of the picnic and took a little nibble!
He quickly learned, if one is going to nibble this woman's toes, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries need to be part of the package.

My picnic partner, Kate, is a very magical woman. The conversation flowed easily from the numinous to the mundane and back to.  The weather was perfect. Kayaks would pass now and then and the conversation and laughing would reach us near the beach.

We shared cucumber sandwiches which were uber yummy if I say so myself. (secret recipe: 12 grain bread, whipped cream cheese mixed with tarragon, chives and dill. Cucumber peeled and thinly sliced, sprinkled with sea salt and white pepper.  Spread both slices of bread with cheese mix layer cucumbers three or four layers thick. I left the crust on but at home or when I am feeling really poopoopedoo I toss the crust outside for the crows).

We shared a raspberry-kiwi salad in strawberry yogurt, walnuts, pears and lemon water.

A family of geese came by, the adults closely guarding the babies. Kate shared a story with me of witnessing a pod of orcas swimming with her boat in the San Juan Islands. They, too, swam in a formation that protected the young.

Kate dropped me back at my house around 2 or 2:30. I took a nice shower and layed on my bed with a new novel and promptly fell asleep. Naps are even yummier than cucumber sandwiches.

Thursday, June 19, 2014, was another good day.

Go-To's

When you are overwhelmed and stressed to the hilt, where is your Go-To space to unwind or vent?

Does your Go-To depend on the time of year or time of day?

Drive-time has an influence on my respite destinations. If I am completely wound up, I head for Whiskey Creek at Whiskeytown Lake. All my favorite unwind tools can be found there; mountains, trees, body of water and quiet. Perfect space for deep breathing, mind clearing and making mellow! Mostly perfect. There are times of the year when salmon are on their life-long mission to feed the bears. I find that looking over my shoulder for large furry mammals with fish breath and the anxiety of wondering if I will be Fish-breath's dessert is counter-productive to relaxation.

There are many times that I don't wait for stress to launch me in the direction of my favorite space. Random books will whisper to me to grab a pear and a quilt and take said book to visit the mountains and trees where it will share it's words, sentences and paragraphs with me. Sometimes my journal and favorite pen convince me that the short drive would benefit us all.

Now, there are times when the stress is partially dictated by time. I have a couple of quick Go-To's. If I am in pedestrian mode, my Rex and I will walk to the Diestlehorst Bridge and watch the river flow, again, some of my buddies are present, mountains, trees, body of water. Peace can be found there but quiet is a matter of perception.  If I am operating a fossil-fuel based vehicle and have a limited time frame, I find there are two spaces alongside the Sacramento River that inspire peace and tranquility.

There is a wonderful space beside Hat Creek I call my own bit of paradise, though I have sneaking suspicions that it isn't truly my own. I am often greeted with impressions in the dirt at the edge of the creek. The indiscretions abound, as footprints often include boots, bare feet, tennis shoes, dog or coyote, bear, squirrel otter, chipmunk, deer and reptile! I'm hoping those really big ones belonged to a Great Dane or St. Bernard and not a mountain lion.

Some long distance Go-To's include Gold Beach, Oregon, Lithia Park in Ashland, a nameless creek on the Pit River arm of Shasta Lake, a certain bench at Capitola's little promenade and the Rewoods.

There are a couple of Go-To's within arm's reach. My bedroom, my living room, my backyard or floating in my pool, eyes closed, limbs relaxed, every body part submerged but nose and lips. Nice!

Have you thought about your Go-To spaces?

What about your Go-To people!

Who do you feel safe with when the world gets too heavy for your shoulders?

I have several good friends with whom I can talk about anything. When anxiety pulls on me like gravity and my fingers are slipping their hold on the bar of sanity, threatening a long fall into the pit of darkness, my sister, Sherree, is my Go-To.  Julie has been-there for me for years and years and years and Lyn is fairly recent, but all-in.  Robin is a sister-in-law but one of the best listeners in the world. Those four women are all Joan of Arc's and help me slay dragons if need be.

Have you got any other Go-To's? Vodka, Running, Shoes?

If all is well, I love a glass of wine (or two) but try to stay away from alcohol if the pit of despair is looming. I lean more towards Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia therapy! Though, now that I am supposed to be meat-eggs-dairy-free, I might have to keep some strawberry-rhubarb-ginger sorbet in the freezer for those Need-A-Go-To moments.

Music and showers are good therapy, as well as, swimming, working with clay or watching French Kiss with Meg Ryan and Kevin Klein are good Go-To's/  Folding towels works too, as long as I don't have to put the suckers away.

Meditation works, prayer is good. I also find that primal screaming works wonders in the privacy of your car.

I found the best relief though comes from climbing trees and, of course, flying!

Home Alone

A friend of mine was going to be home alone for a couple of days while his wife made a quick trip. He posted a list of possibilities for his time while exalting in alone-ness! (Notice, I did not use the sad word loneliness).

My husband and I were married almost 30 years ago. We've been together over 32 years.

His job would take him away from home occasionally for a week at a time. Now, I love my husband and I love being with him, but damn, I love being alone, too.

We both worked in high profile positions. We dealt with the public (good and bad) all day long, every day. We like people and we enjoyed our jobs but there were days when the energy could be sucked right out of you by good people in bad moods or in a hurry or who have lost their "nice" or left it at home.

The first couple of times Frank left for a conference or convention, one of his sisters would show up at the house each night he was gone. I can't tell you how many tubs full of hot water and bubbles up-to-here went cold and flat while I sat visiting in the living room. Or how many times a glass of wine, fluffed pillows and an open book called out to me from my bedroom. You won't believe how many bowls of shredded wheat (dinner) went soggy sitting on the counter in the kitchen while I sat in the family room being "kept company"!

Somewhere about Frank's fourth or fifth trip, on a Thursday evening (he was returning on Friday) I received a call from one of his sisters.

"Toni," she said, her voice full of guilt, "I am so sorry. Tonight is my turn to keep you company and I just can't make it, something has come up!"

"What?"  (That was me, sounding a little confused!) "What (still me) do you mean "its your turn" to keep me company?"

She explained that they had all thought I would be lonely on those nights while Frank was gone so they decided to take turns just dropping in to keep me company. You see, they love me and they didn't want me sitting alone, in the dark; depressed by the absence of their big brother!

After a good laugh, I put an end to all that nurturing support!

"What the hell!"(Me again). "Don't you all realize that I love being alone! I have paid my teenagers to go to a movie and have pizza afterwards just to have the house to myself! I love soaking in a tub of bubbles or bath salts for hours, reading, exfoliating, sipping a glass of Merlot! I love leaning into the pillows on my bed, reading for hours. Uninterrupted reading of a good book is second only to making love, simply orgasmic! Not having to speak to anyone for several hours and then having the whole bed and all the pillows to myself! Smothering my feet in vaseline and sleeping with his athletic socks on to soften my feet! Walking around the house with a hot oil treatment in my hair, plastic bags wrapped around my head and an oatmeal mask clinging and dripping from my face! Listening to my "chick" music or playing the piano and not worrying about mistakes. Passing gas freely without having to say, 'excuse me' and pretend to be embarrassed!"

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. When he returns to the family abode, I am always happy to see him. I am rejuvenated! I have refilled my tank with go-juice! I greet him with open arms.

So, I put an end to Babysitting for Toni! My wonderful sisters-in-law will come over and float in the pool and talk sometimes when the old guy is gone but not because I don't want to be alone or can't be alone but because I really want to share time with them. There are also those times I relish the alone-ness.

Being alone with one's self is a good practice but being alone in your own home is paradise!

 My List
(for when I am home alone)

Refill My Tank!

Bonding...Relating

Years ago, too many to divulge in public, I was pregnant with my daughter. I already had two young sons; oldest was 4, youngest was 2.

My baby bump was more of a small vertical mountain rather than a mere bump! Baby girl was due anytime.  Walking is a good way to pass the time when you are carrying a 12 pound baby, as sitting is most uncomfortable!

As long as we were going to be walking, we took the boys to the San Francisco Zoo. Formerly called the Fleishhacker Zoo, you can see why the name was changed...I'm sure it made German speaking animals very nervous.

The day was beautiful. No fog, clear skies, ocean breeze.  All the inmates....I mean, residents were in their outside spaces. 

We approached the gorilla enclosure from the south side. It was a large round space, half of it open to the elements with trees, rocks, grass, the other half was protected housing.

A female gorilla left her position in the shade of a tree and slowly started following us around the perimeter. She kept her eye on me the whole time.

My boys were enjoying watching the big guys and the babies so we really took our time.

As we reached the north end, we stopped again. The female gorilla then laid on her back on the ground. In that position it was very evident that she was pregnant, we were twins, though I was slightly less hairy!  She patted her tummy and then pointed to mine, then patted her tummy and then pointed to mine. I patted my tummy and then pointed to hers.

I've often wondered if it was just a female moment of sharing joy of being ripe with child or was she asking me to help her child from being born in captivity. Maybe I am making too much of the moment but it was, indeed, a very moving moment. It was one of those events that touches your heart. It speaks of connections, of bonds. So much more than the joyful bouncing around our border collie does when we say the word "walk" or "treat"!

So, this morning, I am watching One Lucky Elephant, a documentary about a circus producer who is trying to find long-term housing for his elephant.  She has been with the producer for over 24 years and is heart broken when he gives her up to a sanctuary. Quietly, she watches him leave.

Photo Courtesy of Afrigalah

After the producer walks away the elephant acts out in wild abandon. Abandon, yes, abandoned! She knocks down fences and tramples gates.  She rages!

An animal psychologist is brought in and announces the diagnosis of PTSD! (Is that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or could it actually be Pachyderm Traumatic Stress Disorder?)

Now I'm wondering, having PTSD myself, how would that precious giant greet me if I visited the sanctuary!  Would we both stomp our feet?  Would we wave our arms (or front legs) in the air and trumpet our pain?

Would we just sit together in each other's aura's, forehead to forehead, sisters, in a world that sometimes hurts?