What Happened and Better Still What is Happening?

Dang gum, dang gum, dang gum.

Do I feel better after sharing that? No.

Let me try it again.

Dang gum, dang gum, dag gum.

Hmm, still No!

Maybe a little louder!

DANG GUM, DANG GUM, DANG GUM.

Again, but with feeling!

DANG GUM! DANG GUM! DANG GUM!!!

In the famous words of Inigo Montoya, "You are using Bonettie's Defense against me, ah?" No wait, wrong quote.  Trying to catch Wesley up with circumstances in Princess Bride, he says, "Let me 'splain.....no, there is too much..let me sum up!"

So, let me sum up!

Been a hard year, physically and emotionally and spiritually.  Physically broken, emotionally exhausted and spiritually drained.  The only thing left is the mental and though I consider myself fairly intelligent and have a pretty impressive IQ, I would describe myself in this moment as "mentally apathetic"!

That is how I started this week. Already at one of my lowest lows, then the doors of hell opened up and crap and drama was delivered. Still here but hanging by a thread. This is the last week before my 62 birthday. I refuse to take this crap with me to my 63rd year so I want to dump it here.

So:

1. I am not a fool. Do not tell me you are going to censor my statement to protect your autonomy when you have a direct link to your page on your Facebook page, just delete my statement. No problem with that but to do it feigning some superior chivalrous motive is bullshit. Just delete the frickin' statement.  I will stop following your blog so you don't have to "restrict to invite only".  Was just trying to understand, done!

2.  I tried. You have to do it for yourself.  I will keep your things here until you get help but don't come here until you have cleaned yourself up. I hope you went where you said you were going to get the help you need. Have your sister call me when they are ready to discharge you and we will figure out where to send your stuff. I love you, honey, but you are too dangerous to yourself and those that I love. I know you have lied to us all, you tell each of us what you think we want to hear, but, please, stop lying to yourself. Honor yourself. Pick yourself up and be who I know you are capable of being. Last night was too scary for me, I don't know how to be with that kind of behavior, nor do I have the tolerance for it. In the words of your favorite aunt, "do it for you, do it for your daughters, do it for your sisters".

3.  Go home. Stay!

4. Sweetheart, please rent the shredder and get rid of that pile....or buy me a 1958 single wide and a hound dog and park it in the driveway. Love you!

5. Stop signing so many Executive Orders, you are not the King, you are a President. This government was established to control the government not the people.

6. All you needed to do was explain what was happening!  Isn't that part of your job. Got a second opinion and he explained it all and gave me exercises to help stretch and strengthen. I paid you some incredible amounts of money for a job and I expect that part of that job was to tell me what was happening with me not just tell me to "get a cane"! You might be a little old for this advice but "get a clue!"

7. Please, understand that I appreciate your right to choose and the choice you've made, in religion, in politics, in what frickin' brand of car you drive. Now back off and allow me mine. I have the right to choose and I have. God Bless you.

8. Stay away from my door.  (refer to #7, i.e. religion)

9. I loved my cute little car and now she has a little bit of your car's paint on her wheel well because of your negligence or stupidity. Do yourself a favor and walk next time.  I hope, who ever you are that you think you were seen and now your are slithering around hoping no one recognizes you. It was a big parking lot, I am sure someone saw you....they are coming to get you.

10. I have issues with authority....get over it!

So, how do I feel? Any better? No, because severe clinical depression, PTSD and constant physical pain cannot be cured by ranting and raving. It takes time to rebuild yourself, it takes time to stabilize yourself when the floor drops out from under you.

I feel vulnerable. I am scared. I am sad and I am mad. I cannot stop crying at times and don't know why. Sometimes I cry for the little girl inside of me that died so many years ago and the little girl who had to take over for her.

So, tomorrow, sometime around 2:00 I will be 62. I can retire. I can eat cake, though I think I will eat pie instead.  I will buy a beautiful bottle of Amaretto and pour a little in a pretty glass and share a toast with my handsome, understanding, solid-as-a-rock husband, who cherishes me inspite of me.(still need to get that shredder, Baby Breath)  I will probably get a call about a couple of the items above but I stand my ground. If you are mad, be mad, own it.

Tonight, after I say my prayers for all of you that I love more than life itself and all of you who need special  intentions and all of you who have asked for my prayers I will say a prayer for me. I will put it in God's hands. Thy Will Be Done....but cut me a little slack, please, I'm hurtin' here! Amen.

Oops, Missed A Day

Didn't post a gratitude list yesterday. Not that I didn't experience gratitude yesterday but I was so immersed in gratitude that I didn't have a single moment to post my 3 things (per Dr's orders).

Everyone that thinks this is the whole truth raise your hands?...yeah, that's what I thought. No takers.

To be honest, I was immersed in football. Can't help it, its in the blood.  I was born in Colorado and while not as rabid about the Broncos as the cousins that stayed in Colorado, I still like to see Denver get to the playoffs.

I sat at the edge of the chair yesterday. Honestly, the games were so exciting, and I was alone, so I actually jumped at one time or another to every chair, ottoman even the floor during that game.  Several of my cousins were at the game wrapped in many, many layers of clothing. We communicated through Facebook and texting throughout the game. Most of the communication was short and sweet or short and sour. There were "OMG's" and "WTF's,". There were lots of four letter words and statesments including 4 letter words such as "Hell-yeah!" and "F-no!"  There were heroes, villians and evil referees. Two overtimes and throbbing veins in foreheads. I was glad there wasn't anyone to see me, sitting in my red jammies screaming and yelling at the TV while trying to explain to Rex, the dog that it wasn't about him.

Then the mighty Broncos fell to an interception, a quick set-up, then Field Goal by the Ravens.  Please!
After the excitement of the game to have the winning team squeak by with a kick....just not right.  We got cheated out of screaming our brains out as some wide receiver cradles the ball in his arms and we bust blood vessels in our throats as we yell, "Get Him!"

When I was 9, I moved to California. I should say I was moved by my parents and I didn't go easy. They brought me kicking and screaming, I didn't want to leave my grandparents, cousins and aunts and uncles. But, having been here for quite some time now, I have acclimated my behavior to the natives and now root for California teams too. With a quick click ("click" is purely for effect because our remotes are so darn "clickless") on to the 49er/Packers game.  Another good game. Wow, what a day of good games.

Again, I was traveling from chair to chair, ottoman to ottoman. I was in football heaven.

And then....a knock at the door....I jumped up thinking maybe someone brought beer and came to share the excitement and thrill of men crashing into each other and chasing each other. There stands my friend, my friend who knows nothing of football and doesn't understand the point and wants to talk. The urge to slam the door was almost overwhelming. I could have and I could have gotten away with it because of this stupid clinical depression I am going through. I could have called her this morning and told her I'd forgotten to take my medication. Instead, I invited her in and answered question after question about everything football.

"Why do those men wear leggings?"
"Why aren't they allowed to grab a facemask when there are handles on the masks?"
"Why is it 6 points instead of just one point?"
"Why do you like this?"
"What is that thing going up the butt of their pants?"
"Why is that guy so small when the others all seem so big?"

She is from Mexico and, of course, football to her is soccer and NFL football is for interupting!

I know the 49er's won but the last half of the game was lost to me. Was it good? Was it as good as the first half?

And now, today, what do I have? Seattle and Atlanta....I hope they both lose. Who cares about Seattle and Atlanta?  And later today, Texans vs Patriots...is this Sunday or is this hell?

So, Dr. Ng, you want my gratitude list for yesterday...let me think...

I am grateful for my cousins, even the one who called me a Cougar because I wanted to lick Colin Kaepernick's upper arm tattoo's after throwing and running and scoring so fine. gr OW l.
I am grateful that none of my cousins suffered from frostbite while at the game, even though most were probably way past their limits of alcohol.
I am grateful the 49er's won and won so good.
I am thankful for how my dad must feel this morning, knowing the 49ers beat Green Bay.
I am thankful for football even though I broke my nose playing street ball with the guys in the neighborhood when I was 14.
I am grateful for the new "talk and surf" commercial.
I am thankful that I have plans for the afternoon...oh, hey, Seattle 21, Atlanta 27....close game....maybe I'll watch just a little.

Gratitude Journal / January 10, 2013

I am thankful for Cole and Cheyenne; they saved the house from burning down.

I am thankful the house didn't burn down.

I am thankful that Frank doesn't know the house almost burned down!!!

Okay, so, it probably wasn't going to burn down but it could have been bad if they hadn't smelled it and investigated!  I couldn't smell it because I was taking the Christmas tree down and only smelled dry pine...which is pretty good and does a great job of camouflaging melting plastic!

Not Valentine's Day

I know its January 10th and most of you have taken your Christmas trees and decorations down, packed them away for next year.

Our decorations didn't go up until about the 23rd.  Notice how I say "didn't go up"" as if it was the responsibility of the tree, lights and garland to get themselves where they needed to be?

They came down today! OKAY, okay, so I'm a little late and the tree is about as crispy at ruffles with ridges!

I didn't buy any new decorations and I only decorated the living room, a 3' tree and the front door.  I have 7 large rubber containers of Christmas lights and decorations and a collection of Santa Clauses.  Unbelievably I can't get that little bit back into the containers!

Do garlands expand if the lights they had on top of them are taken out of the crate?  Do silver bells grow?  Can an old Forest Santa collect more goodies in his sack? Why doesn't this stuff fit?

Every thing packed in tight but the garland around the front door. Now it's pine garland with some grapevine hearts and heritage red bells and berries.  It goes good with the color of the house and the door is red.  Do I drive over to Shopko and purchase another rubber container or keep the garland up, and call it Valentine's Day Decoration?

More importantly, the real, accurate, authentic, bona fide, veritable purpose for this blog entry; if I keep typing will the dry pine needles trailing across the floor, carpet and entry vacuum themselves up?

The Other "F" Word

It seems to me that I have started other blog entries with elucidations regarding my husband's awesomeness. I hope it doesn't get boring to my readers (if there are any of you out there)!

Yesterday afternoon, Mr. Wonderful called me from work to let me know that his boss wanted to have him work Wednesday, his usual day off and take Tuesday off.  My husband discussed it with another employee who I call Mr. A (for Arrogant, although there are many other appropriate adjectives for the jerk).

Mr. A and my husband agreed that Tuesday would be a better day for my husband to take off. Now my sweetie is in retail so we have not had one morning since the middle of November where we have been able to just lay in bed in the morning, snuggle and make plans for the day

This morning we slept in, which means that we were both awake by 7:30.  We laid in bed and talked, switched the news on to check the weather and relished the little bit of time together. He starts to get a little romantic and his I-phone goes off; the text ring that lets him know "The Store" is calling.  Its a text from Mr. A: "Where are you?"

So, Sweetie texts him back, "Remember, working Wednesday, taking today off"

Mr. A responds: "Would have been nice to know"

My honey didn't bother to respond, knew it was just a power game. He put the I-phone down and put his  arm back around me.  Calmly, he started to check out the weather again, but I started to fume, actually I have to say I continued to fume because he constantly gets calls from the store, even if he takes a half hour lunch, he gets at least one call from the store, typically from Mr. A or a question Mr. A has buts insists someone else make the call.

So, I am angry and I tell my husband (colorfully, I might add) what a jerk Mr. A is. I also give my husband a real smart-ass response he should text back. My honey just shakes his head and says, "Don't go there. Forgiveness is the better way."  He told me that his energy was needed for taking care of me and sending energy to our kids and grand kids and for prayer.

Forgiveness. To me, it is almost another F-word when it comes to Mr. A and any others who hurt my family and loved ones.  Okay, I am going to give it a try. Forgiveness. First, I will try it out on the mailman when he is a little late on the day my grandson is expecting his paycheck, I will try to forgive the idiots poor souls who hug my bumper on the road or don't signal their turns. Next week I will attempt applying forgiveness to Mr. A!  I think its going to take a week of prayer to help me get there and a whole lot more prayer to get me to WANT to get there.

My husband is a better man than I am.....thank God.

Gratitude for Dr. Ng and my attempt to climb out of my clinical depression:
I am thankful for prayer.
I am thankful for people who pray.
I am thankful for my husband, he hugs good, he prays good and he....hmm, yeah, I am thankful for my husband.

Dr. Ng Says Journal Daily

The kids all left today. House is quiet and I miss them all.

But, I have to say there is something about a quiet house. My gratitude journal is short and sweet today.
I am thankful for afternoon naps with my Honey.
I am thankful for being able to watch football in bed with pillows and doggy and hubby.
I am thankful for left over chicken and Manhattan Bagels.
I am thankful for soft jammies, foot rubs and remote controls.
I am thankful that the kids are all home safe, and hope that Brian's plane lands safely in Tennessee.

New Year Celebration

Oh My God! What a day. January 1, 2013 may go down in history as one of my best days.

In the morning I played Spoons with pointy objects with 4 of our granddaughters and Papa, just pens but pointy all the same. We giggled and laughed and I lost but it was so much fun laughing. Those girls are just the best, funny, intelligent and so lovingly irreverent, just my kind of people. The dining room table will never be the same and for that I am happy, memories are in that table. Good, happy memories.

Everyone disappeared in the middle of the day to go watch a USC football game recorded at Nicole's and Brian's house. Papa and I snuck in a good nap!

We made a big pot of spaghetti for dinner. Everyone returned to the house for dinner. One granddaughter was still running a low grade fever so she and her mommy stayed home. But my son got off of work and brought Haley. Now 5 granddaughters, 1 grandson and his fiance, joined my kids and their spouses and we mulled around a little.

Then we started playing a game that made me laugh so hard, I almost knocked the New Year away and the old year back. If you want to share a couple of hours of incredibly joyful moments with your family get the game Loaded Questions. WARNING:. if you have given birth or are over the age of 50 wear a Depends!

These characters, my family, are truly the funniest people I know and a tad bit on the irreverent side. The adults laughed so hard that the kids were drawn into the room and hung out with us for awhile.

There is no doubt I am a blessed person in spite of clinical depression and PTSD. I am thankful for my wonderful husband, Frank. I am thankful for John, Adam & Ashley, Nicole &; Coach Brian, Cole and Cheyenne. I am thankful for Pickles, JP, Dippin Dots, Pinky Marie and the CEO. I am also thankful for Becky and Natalie even though they couldn't be there).  I am also thankful for Rex, Phe and Mulisha who fit right in with the chaos and joy.

I am also thankful for  my sister and my niece who couldn't make it, my brother and his family and all my cousins.

Lets do this again tonight!!!

Gratitude Continues but barely

Eleven o'clock last night there was a knock at the front door.

I was in bed watching a movie and didn't hear it but my grandson did. Then the doorbell rang two or three times. Then my cell phone rang, it was my ex-husband's niece.  She needed to get her tent out of the garage and one of her heavy blankets, 11:00 pm and she still hasn't settled for the night. She was, as my grandson so aptly put it, "hammered"!  She told me on the phone she was sober but couldn't get into the mission, but she wasn't.

When she first moved in with us she scared the hell out of us.

We woke up at 3:00 AM with her dancing in the kitchen, Pandora blasting on the lap top and screaming to the world that she was going to kill my daughter-in-law. She had only met my daughter-in-law twice and talked only 20 minutes, if that.  She went on and on in very ugly terms what she was going to do, how she was going to do it. It was pretty damn ugly.

There were two bottles of liquor, one empty and one half empty sitting on the counter next to the the lap top.  Turns out an empty bottle was in the trash. She drank one whole bottle of Vodka, one whole bottle of Vermouth and was starting on a bottle of gin.  It took me over two hours to calm her down and get her to sleep.

The next day she remembered nothing! I remembered it and I let her know that it was absolutely unacceptable behavior in my home. I also told her that if any of the kids, grandchildren or nieces or nephews had been here I would have called the police and had her removed and 5150'd. She was threatening the life of another and herself.

While staying here she would spend the days walking on the River Trail or at the Hope Van or at NVCSS Second Home.  Now let me tell you, if you don't know, the best place to find someone who does drugs and has drugs and would like to sell you drugs or share drugs with you for a "favor" or two you can find them at those three places.

A couple of days later she showed up smelling of beer. "Only one!" she told me.  Only one, but she can barely walk and is slurring her words. I told her to get out of the house or go to bed. She broke the rules.  She went to bed and slept it off but was coming here high on meth and drinking. I told her she had to leave. I had told her the house rules, I told her that this home is a sanctuary for those that live here. We need to feel safe here, to feel comfortable.  We were very uncomfortable waiting for her to blow up again or bring some of her new "friends" home with her.

She admitted herself to mental health, she has incredible mental health issues, multiple personalities, paranoia, PTSD and incredible depression all of which are made worse by the drugs. After a 3 day lock-in (72 hour watch) she was admitted to a mental facility. She discharged herself out after 2 days. She said that one of the other patients convinced her that they were married and had been married for 6 years. He convinced her that he had been trying to prove himself to her and thought it was time to makeup. He fondled her and she called the sheriff. They made a report but apparently the patient had left the facility while the police were there. I called the facility and they said they don't know what happened but that she had discharged herself AMA (against medical advice).

We have been talking about getting into rehab, getting some help for her mental issues. She talks a good story but the minute she is on her own she is drinking and doing meth.  Day before yesterday I told her I could drive her to a program for women. The provide housing while you wait on the list. They are not a lock in and honestly, I don't know that she would stay unless she had too. I told her I can drive her to San Jose where she has family. The family tells me they want to help but she tells me that they don't...but then no one wants to come up and get her so maybe she is telling the truth.

I picked her up a couple of days ago to take her to the post office and she reeked of pot and her big blue eyes were so dilated I felt like tying a rope around my waist so I didn't fall in!

I want to help her but I can't. She won't help herself.  She is getting almost $900 a month in back child support but keeps telling me its not enough to get a little studio. She would rather live on the streets.  I am so worried about her that I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling praying that she will survive one more night.

To top all this off, her 21 year old daughter just passed away from cancer.  My husband and I were going to drive her to the Memorial Service in the bay area but she just found out that here father (who molested her for years as a child) and the father of her daughter (who molested their daughters and was ordered by court to stay away from the kids) are both going to be present at the services.  She is completely untied emotionally.  She flips from sheer anger to extreme sadness and back to sheer anger.

My own children are frustrated with me for helping her.  I help because she is a human being who needs help but I don't take care of her, I don't allow her to stay in my home and I don't, absolutely don't give her money.

All I can do is keep her in my prayers and occasionally take her to mental health or the post office. I try to remind her that she deserves to take better care of herself.

I'm feeling a little lost and a little overwhelmed. So this may be one of the days I can only find one thing to feel gratitude for.  I'm certainly not happy that my ex-brother-in-law isn't decent enough to let his daughter be at her daughter's memorial service without having to deal with his presence. I am not happy that any of the sisters or daughters felt it necessary to invite the father who molested them over the years to the services.  Again, we absolve and vindicate the predator and the victim (victims, in this case) is censured and condemned.

Today, I am thankful that....hmm...that I am a survivor. I am thankful that my dr. said somedays you'll only be thankful for one thing, don't pressure myself....

Packing For 2013

Are you packed for 2013?

Remember that what you decide to leave behind is just as important as what you choose to pack! Some of the items are the same as last year and some items are new.

Must Haves:

Integrity and Good Music,

Etymology Dictionary and  New Words

Imagination and Good Books,
.
An Open Mind and a Soft Shoulder.

Smiles When Sadness Intrudes,

Creativity, Spirituality and Good Humor.

Paint and Various Brushes,  Blank Paper and Colored Pencils.

Courage and a New Bathing Suit, Bird Seed and Bubbles.

Skate Key, Lightening Rod and Lip Gloss.

My crystal door knob in case some doors have no apparent means of entry...(always carry an extra door knob with you; they are much less cumbersome than windows).

Good Wine and Good Friends.

Soft, soft, soft sheets, a feather pillow and a promise to remember my dreams.

A warm, time-worn quilt, aged cheese and apples just in case a spot of Earth invites me to a little picnic.

Verboten Objects ~ What I am prepared to leave behind:

Maps unless it is a map I am drawing for myself.
Whining, on my part or anyone elses.....NO WHINING!

Bad Attitude, Brussel Sprouts, Judgemental People and unfair judgements on my part.
Grudges, Clothes that itch or bind, Excuses for not being Authentic.

I Promise To Be On The Lookout For:

Every Opportunity to tell my children and grandchildren and family and friends,
"I Love YOU" ~"You are Special" ~ "You are important to me"

Those moments to tell someone: "Good job" "I am proud of you" and sometimes giggle at myself and say..."man, that was stupid!"
I promise to leave enough room in my bags for sea shells and leaves and rocks and lost puppies.
...and to be of the lookout for
Miracles and Angels,
Sunrises and Sunsets,
New Friends and Rare Birds.

What's left packed from last year?

Good Books, Good Music, "Good Waves, Man"
Hugs, Kisses and Macaroons, Vintage Linens and Gin and Tonics on a hot afternoon,
Crystals, Naps under the sky or completely naked under the covers in the middle of the day.
Opportunities for Growth, a chance to make my own path Out of the Box and Outside the Envelope.

What are you going to pack?


What are you going to leave behind?


What are you watching for?

Gratitude

Christmas Day has come and gone. It was a day of glorious company and fun. More food than we knew what to do with but made a substantial dent, especially in the dessert portion.

I am thankful for so much and am way to tired to share.

Gratitude will have to be shared tomorrow. At this moment I am thankful for a fluffy pillow, flannel sheets and a husband who has already warmed them up!

Good Night!

Groceries for Tomorrow

Gonna head in early to shop for groceries for tomorrow. I want to get there while its just us grumpy old ladies. If I wait too long than it will be grumpy old ladies, crying toddlers and PMSing mothers...holy hell, not a good place to be because I  can't drive while taking xanax.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a crazy thing to have.(pun intended)  For years and years I had it under control. I could witness something, an action, or picture or rude gesture and react but be back to normal in a flash of a second.  Since April of this yearmy PTSD has sprouted a life of its own. If I hear a mommy raising her voice to an overly-tired kid or people cutting each other off,  their action seems to reach down into the core of me and the tears flow (or worse).

So, this morning, I am going to bundle up, say a prayer for strength, ask the Holy Spirit to accompany me to Raley's and go get some goodies. Maybe reward myself with a Dutch Bros coffee on the way home.
When you have PTSD you make a list of items to take with you as well as items to purchase. Items to take; Gloves to keep warm, hat to cover bedhead, debit card, oh and an umbrella.  And just in case I meet a Dragon or Unicorn in the rain, I'll take an  extra umbrella for them.

I am thankful today for toothpaste, cold water to drink, the little bit of sunshine shining through the clouds. I am thankful for hot showers, I am thankful for Welbutrin, though it doesn't seem to have reported in for work this morning or yesterday. If an anti-depressant calls in sick shouldn't they have a note from the doctor?

I am thankful for my pretty car, though some ass-hole hit me in one of the parking lots yesterday or the day before.  Just a little light blue paint near the tire well, but still, you could have left a note?  I am thankful that I wasn't in my car when the person hit my car (for me and for them).

I am thankful that the roast I am going to buy is going to be the moistest, tenderest roast in the history of mankind...Help me choose that one Holy Spirit, I mean, as long as you are going with, you could help with a little of the shopping.

No Pressure

Working hard to find a way to express my gratitude today.  Lots of things and people I am thankful for but some old habits getting in the way of expressing it.

Depression is an ugly thing. For every 3 rungs of the ladder I feel myself climb out one of those rungs snaps and I am down again.  I know, I believe, I am digging my way out but sometimes I feel like a crab in a bucket and every time I almost make it to the top and out one of those dumb-ass crabs snatches on and pulls me back in the damn bucket.  I know I am not going to stay in that bucket, too many crabs in bad moods and too much sand and salt water but it means climbing out again.

What am I thankful for today, it's another granddaughter's birthday today. She's 8 and she's cute and she is a powerhouse! I am thankful for her. I am thankful that two of my other granddaughters are making a gingerbread house. I am thankful for super soft over-sized sweaters, I am thankful that all the wrapping is done and presents are all where they need to be.

Part of me wants to write that I am thankful this is my last Christmas, I'm not sure I'm good at this game called life.  Too many people demanding how they think stuff should be, making up the rules they want me to live by, but not following their own rules.

I think I'd like to go to heaven and open up a movie drive-in up there.  The  speakers would all work because I would use Bose. Movies would be HD and you know the seats would be comfortable because its heaven.  The tub of popcorn never gets empty and you can drink all the soda you want and never have to pee just before the climax of the movie....or any other climax's....I mean..it is the drive-in!

Two days until Christmas 2012.  I bet Santa is making the reindeer go to bed early tonight.