January 17, 2013

What Happened and Better Still What is Happening?

Dang gum, dang gum, dang gum.

Do I feel better after sharing that? No.

Let me try it again.

Dang gum, dang gum, dag gum.

Hmm, still No!

Maybe a little louder!


Again, but with feeling!


In the famous words of Inigo Montoya, "You are using Bonettie's Defense against me, ah?" No wait, wrong quote.  Trying to catch Wesley up with circumstances in Princess Bride, he says, "Let me 'splain.....no, there is too much..let me sum up!"

So, let me sum up!

Been a hard year, physically and emotionally and spiritually.  Physically broken, emotionally exhausted and spiritually drained.  The only thing left is the mental and though I consider myself fairly intelligent and have a pretty impressive IQ, I would describe myself in this moment as "mentally apathetic"!

That is how I started this week. Already at one of my lowest lows, then the doors of hell opened up and crap and drama was delivered. Still here but hanging by a thread. This is the last week before my 62 birthday. I refuse to take this crap with me to my 63rd year so I want to dump it here.


1. I am not a fool. Do not tell me you are going to censor my statement to protect your autonomy when you have a direct link to your page on your Facebook page, just delete my statement. No problem with that but to do it feigning some superior chivalrous motive is bullshit. Just delete the frickin' statement.  I will stop following your blog so you don't have to "restrict to invite only".  Was just trying to understand, done!

2.  I tried. You have to do it for yourself.  I will keep your things here until you get help but don't come here until you have cleaned yourself up. I hope you went where you said you were going to get the help you need. Have your sister call me when they are ready to discharge you and we will figure out where to send your stuff. I love you, honey, but you are too dangerous to yourself and those that I love. I know you have lied to us all, you tell each of us what you think we want to hear, but, please, stop lying to yourself. Honor yourself. Pick yourself up and be who I know you are capable of being. Last night was too scary for me, I don't know how to be with that kind of behavior, nor do I have the tolerance for it. In the words of your favorite aunt, "do it for you, do it for your daughters, do it for your sisters".

3.  Go home. Stay!

4. Sweetheart, please rent the shredder and get rid of that pile....or buy me a 1958 single wide and a hound dog and park it in the driveway. Love you!

5. Stop signing so many Executive Orders, you are not the King, you are a President. This government was established to control the government not the people.

6. All you needed to do was explain what was happening!  Isn't that part of your job. Got a second opinion and he explained it all and gave me exercises to help stretch and strengthen. I paid you some incredible amounts of money for a job and I expect that part of that job was to tell me what was happening with me not just tell me to "get a cane"! You might be a little old for this advice but "get a clue!"

7. Please, understand that I appreciate your right to choose and the choice you've made, in religion, in politics, in what frickin' brand of car you drive. Now back off and allow me mine. I have the right to choose and I have. God Bless you.

8. Stay away from my door.  (refer to #7, i.e. religion)

9. I loved my cute little car and now she has a little bit of your car's paint on her wheel well because of your negligence or stupidity. Do yourself a favor and walk next time.  I hope, who ever you are that you think you were seen and now your are slithering around hoping no one recognizes you. It was a big parking lot, I am sure someone saw you....they are coming to get you.

10. I have issues with authority....get over it!

So, how do I feel? Any better? No, because severe clinical depression, PTSD and constant physical pain cannot be cured by ranting and raving. It takes time to rebuild yourself, it takes time to stabilize yourself when the floor drops out from under you.

I feel vulnerable. I am scared. I am sad and I am mad. I cannot stop crying at times and don't know why. Sometimes I cry for the little girl inside of me that died so many years ago and the little girl who had to take over for her.

So, tomorrow, sometime around 2:00 I will be 62. I can retire. I can eat cake, though I think I will eat pie instead.  I will buy a beautiful bottle of Amaretto and pour a little in a pretty glass and share a toast with my handsome, understanding, solid-as-a-rock husband, who cherishes me inspite of me.(still need to get that shredder, Baby Breath)  I will probably get a call about a couple of the items above but I stand my ground. If you are mad, be mad, own it.

Tonight, after I say my prayers for all of you that I love more than life itself and all of you who need special  intentions and all of you who have asked for my prayers I will say a prayer for me. I will put it in God's hands. Thy Will Be Done....but cut me a little slack, please, I'm hurtin' here! Amen.

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